Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 96 10:27:32 -0700
Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
MRS. OLSON OF FOLGERS COFFEE
[Submitter's note: Mrs. Olson was known as the Folger's Coffee lady in the
Folger's coffee commercials of the 60's/70's. The actress who portrayed her
died a few days ago.]
Rory <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
> Mrs. Olsen
> Rest in Peace....
> She too was good to the last drop....
> Sorry, couldn't resist
Rory, that's grounds for a lawsuit. You could wind up in the can. Better
perk up, man, and put a lid on it. Instantly.
(This message filtered, of course.)
Brad Ferguson <email@example.com> [alt.obituaries]
John M. Vogel <firstname.lastname@example.org> [alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
WILL COFFEE DRINKING INFLAME YOU WITH LUST?
-- By Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho, Tribune, February 4, 1990
Does coffee make people sexually frisky or do only frisky people drink coffee?
The answer to that question is bedeviling researchers at a Michigan hospital
who have a preliminary indication that coffee might improve a person's sex
life. That incredible finding has caused the researchers to want to do a
little more research. And it has caused them to pour their mates a lot more
I hope it's not true that coffee improves a person's sex drive because, if
it is proven to be true, some people will want to outlaw coffee and I like
coffee. There are people in this country who want to outlaw anything that's
fun. Both sex and coffee are fun. And so imagine their reaction if they
learn that one pleasure enhances the other. We'll soon have to slip over
the border for coffee. Maybe even for sex.
The most intriguing aspect of this is that the research so far has been
among elderly people. And it seems to indicate that elderly people who
drink at least one cup of coffee a day improve their sex lives. I don't
know why the study was restricted to the aged but it appears possible that
the aged may now have an aphrodisiac at their disposal and they don't have
to slip it in each other's coffee because it's already in there.
I'm not clear how it is that coffee might function as a love potion but
maybe it keeps people awake who tend to fall asleep during sex with an
especially boring partner.
However, researchers say the whole thing could be a misunderstanding because
they concede that coffee users may merely be ''more liberal in their sexual
That's another way of saying, people who will drink coffee will do anything.
And that's probably true. Coffee is a product that is useless except for
pleasure. It has no nutritional value, no fuel, no calories. The only
reason to drink it is because you enjoy it. It's sole purpose is pleasure
and I think all decent people believe that pleasure is a sin. We were put
on this Earth to be good, not to have fun. Oh, sure a little fun comes
along now and then which is incidental to the necessary tasks of a decent
life and utterly unavoidable even by clean people. Procreation, for
instance. All who are able are obligated do their bit to replenish the
Earth. It's our job, our solemn obligation and we can hardly do it without
experiencing some pleasure, no matter how much we might try not to like it.
It's a wonderful job but somebody's got to do it.
However, it is wrong to have pleasure without any purpose. That's what
coffee drinking is. Drinking coffee builds no babies. It has no practical
function. And so you know that people who drink coffee (or soft drinks or
hot chocolate or any of those other unnecessary beverages) are essentially
libertines capable of letting pleasure drive them to other useless and
You let a woman start drinking coffee consuming something for the sheer
pleasure of it while adding nothing to her body in the process and the next
thing you know she will be using birth control for the same reason.
The unethical rogues of my high school years used to advise male classmates
looking for sex to seek out the girls who smoke. The rationale was that the
kind of person who will try something as far over the decency line as
cigarettes will probably do anything.
And that's more true today than ever. Today, we know how dangerous
cigarettes are so a woman who smokes is obviously the kind of devil-may-care
person who's not afraid to take crazy chances, a woman from the fast lane
who likes to drive on the seamy edge of life.
And now we understand that the same is apparently true of coffee drinkers.
The same sporty guys who roamed the high school halls 50 years ago looking
for smoke as a sign of action now roam the senior citizen centers listening
instead for the sensuous sound of ruby lips sipping softly from the fountain
© 1996 Peter Langston