sex for republicans
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 96 21:54:43 -0700
Subject: sex for republicans
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NEWT'S BOOK OF ACCEPTABLE SEXUAL POSITIONS AND EROTICISM
FOR PRACTICING CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS
By Robert Mauro
"Sex" between consenting Christian Conservative Republican
adults making over $200,000 a year is the wrong word for readers
of this new book. "Intercourse" is closer, since it does indeed
have some bearing in commerce and in foreign monetary exchange.
Therefore, a more correct way of describing what legally married
opposite sex Christian Conservative Republican partner's who are
bona fide citizens of the United States do to reproduce the party
of their choice is more correctly stated as "a fair exchanges of
goods for services rendered."
WARNING: No portion of this book applies in any way to any
illegal aliens of either sex.
Now as to acceptable sexual positions for practicing Christian
Conservative Republicans. There are many. According to Newt, the
proper positions are MAN-ON-TOP, WOMAN-ON-BOTTOM, and variations
of these. For example, a true Christian Conservative Republican
can define MAN-ON-TOP as anything other than WOMAN-ON-TOP. This
can include WOMAN-ON-BOTTOM. Perhaps the most popular position for
most Christian Conservative Republicans is the MAN-ON-TROPICAL-
EXTREMELY-LOW-IQ-BUT-EXTREMELY-LARGE-MAMMARY-GLANDS position. This
is a difficult position to attain. It requires two things: a very
large income and a very dumb babe. If the man can achieve the
first, he can usually accomplish the second; however, this is
becoming increasingly more difficult. (See section on LORENE
Is Oral Sex acceptable for practicing Christian Conservative
Republicans? Yes -- as long as Newt does all the talking. Terms
like tit, cock, pussy, knocker, balls, cunt, or ass should never
be used -- even during the heat of passion or during an election
year, or if an audio and/or video recorder is present. Be
especially careful of your language in or around security cameras
and/or motel mirrors.
Rather than addressing one's external reproductive organs as
above, Newt suggest the Christian-Conservative-Republican-fair-
exchanges-of-goods-for-services-rendered terminology should be
bosom, family-values jewelry box, wee-wee, mammary gland, black
bag, woo-woo, and heine. NOTE: some Ultra-Christian Conservative
Republicans like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed have
said that "heine" is still not totally acceptable. Pat Robertson,
Ralph Reed and Jerry Falwell has suggested "third circle of hell."
However, if you are one of those rare and timid Christian
Conservative Republicans, just say "you-know-whats."
Self-pleasuring usually involves listening to Rush Limbaugh,
Mary Matalin, G. Gordon Liddy, Pat Robertson, Pat Buchanan, or John
Sanunu. This is never crudely referred to as Jerking Off by a true
Christian Conservative Republican. But it is guaranteed to make
you reach a climax just in time for the Snapple commercial.
For those of you who enjoy "dressing up" during "a fair
exchanges of goods for services rendered," Newt suggests his
catalogue of Christian Conservative Republican Connubial Bliss
Clothes and "Political" Patronage Gifts. Here you can order those
hard-to-find crotchless Grey Flannel Suits, Eatable Red Ties,
Eatable Watergate Break-in Panties, and even those Standup-For-
America Red, White and Blue Contract With America Condoms. Each,
of course, generously lubricated with funds from Newt's favorites
PACs. You can also order Newt's GOP Cheerleader Costumes. The
man's comes with a mask of Rush Limbaugh and the woman's with a
mask of Mary Matalin. Into bondage? Try Newt's Trickie Dickie
Watergate Co-conspirator Handcuffs. Enjoy pain? Newt suggests G.
Gordon Liddy's WILL, THE BEDROOM EDITION. It comes complete with
how to drop hot wax "covertly" in all those "sensitive,"
If you are into abstinence while out on that GOP campaign
trail or temporarily living with a Liberal (a possible
abomination), you might want to order the Newt-Approved Nancy
Reagan JUST SAY NO button. Push it and it says, "Bill sucks;
Hillary's a bitch! Bill sucks; Hillary's a bitch! Bill sucks;
Hillary's a bitch!"
If you are desperate, you can order The Newt Gingrich Safe
Sex Blow Up Doll. Just inflate the head, and you are ready for
evening upon evening of "getting the job done in 100 days or less!"
It may be a bit rushed and sloppy, but, hey, as long as it
For those UNMARRIED Christian Conservative Republicans who
would like to engage in "a fair exchanges of goods for services
rendered," order Newt's Personal Responsibility Necklace for the
woman and Newt's Personal Responsibility Red Tie for the man. Both
are completely eatable and at the slightest hint of moisture and/or
if the wearer and/or wearers are in a horizonal position, the
Necklace and/or the Tie will immediately send a satellite-relayed
message to Newt's carefully chosen team of "budget" cutters who
will arrive on the scene to take "appropriate action" (See section
on LORENE BOBBITT). No need to worry, however, IF unmarried
partners have contributed at least $1,000 to the Republican
National Committee and/or GoPac.
If you like to watch videos, you can order the 18-minute Newt-
Approved Richard M. Nixon Erotic Video, complete with 18 minutes
Finally, NEWT'S BOOK OF ACCEPTABLE SEXUAL POSITIONS AND
EROTICISM FOR PRACTICING CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS is only
available to those dull, humorless, white male Christian
Conservative Republicans making over $200,000 a year. And for your
privacy, Newt's book is surreptitiously shipped in non-recycled
brown paper and printed in highly-toxic ink. Price is just your
soul -- and please be sure to include your heart and mind for
shipping and handling. Proceeds from the sale of this book will
go to Newt's favorite charity: GoPac.
© 1996 Peter Langston