Fun_People Archive
21 Aug
The Comedian's Eye View of 8/22/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 21 Aug 96 23:52:25 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 8/22/96

Excerpted-from: 8/22/96 -- ShopTalk

In the news: The Reagans have put their Santa Barbara ranch up for sale.
Says Bob Mills, "It's a working ranch that comes complete with a tractor,
hay bailer, Iran-Contra documents shredder,...It even has its own water
source, Trickle-Down Creek...The name, Rancho del Cielo, is Spanish for '26
years of no property taxes."

Jack Kemp spent Monday morning moving into his new campaign office in
Washington. Says Argus Hamilton, "The decor is very futuristic.  Everywhere
you look there are signs that read 'Kemp 2000.'"

It will cost $5 million to convert Chicago's United Center from a basketball
arena to a convention hall for the Democrats.  That seems high, says
Hamilton.  "Usually, all a political convention needs is what Bulls just
naturally leave behind."

Ross Perot announced that he will participate in the federal matching funds
program.  Says Larry Swerdlow, "Great!  When do we get the money?"

Drug use among teenagers is on the increase. Says Alex Kaseberg, "The experts
were right: Excessive use of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Barney the
dinosaur did lead to harder stuff."

A survey shows that our most common worry about aging is fear of ending up
in a nursing home.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "I thought it was 'fear of
sounding like my mother.'"

Brazil is putting a male birth-control pill on the market.  It's taken years
to make it user-friendly, says Steve Tatham.  "It's beer-flavored, so men
will remember to take it.  It's easy to use, so they won't have to ask for
directions.  And it's so fast-acting it goes to work in seconds-just like
men do."

It's rumored that Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn will wed.  Says Steve
Voldseth, "I understand Fox already has plans to turn the wedding into a TV
series.  They're calling it 'Married...To Children.'"

The movie "Escape From L.A." is about a guy with legal problems who has to
bust out of a jail in downtown Los Angeles.  Says Voldseth, "The really
amazing part- he has to do it without Johnnie Cochran."

Think globally: Officials of the Miss Universe pageant are threatening to
dethrone the title holder unless she loses 27 pounds within two weeks:

"She might forfeit that title for a new one: Miss Expanding Universe."
(Jenny Church)

"She's gained so much weight, she had to get a one-size-fits-all crown with
a Velcro strap."  (Hy Faber)

"Either she slims down or next year's pageant will contain a new talent
competition: all you can eat." (Tatham)

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