Fun_People Archive
26 Aug
The Comedian's Eye View from 8/26/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 96 14:51:23 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 8/26/96

Excerpted-from: 8/26/96 -- ShopTalk

          "In a recent interview, Heather Locklear said that,
           for her, sex is like gymnastics. Because it's
           acrobatic and artistic, and because John Tesh likes
           to watch."
                                  Conan O'Brien


In the news: Vicious rumors are being spread at the zoo where Binti the mama
gorilla rescued a small child who tumbled into the ape pit, says Bill
Williams.  "The other gorillas are whispering that Binti tossed a banana
peel onto the path so the kid would fall and she could act out her 'hero

The Clinton administration is set to classify tobacco as an addictive drug.
Says Stan Kaplan, "Clinton also wanted Jack Kemp declared a vehicle for
delivering Bob Dole."

Adds Alex Pearlstein, "Meanwhile, Dole announced that his surgeon general
will be a little-known congressman from North Carolina, Rep.  Joseph Camel."

Scientists in Japan are attempting to re-create the long-extinct woolly
mammoth by using ancient DNA to fertilize a modern-day elephant egg.  Says
the Funny Scheet, "Not only would it be a breakthrough in genetic
engineering, it would produce the perfect symbol for the Dole campaign."

The mob has been charged with infiltrating a New Jersey HMO.  Says Bob
Mills, "An investigation was launched after the medical board ruled that a
'kiss of death' doesn't qualify as a preexisting condition."

A report says air fares are going up.  This has changed procedures, says
Alan Ray.  "Instead of attaching each ticket to a boarding pass, agents are
now told to stick it to the passenger."

Actress Hunter Tylo sued the producer of "Melrose Place" for firing her when
she became pregnant.  Says Hamilton, "She should file for workers' comp.
If you've seen what they do on that show, you know it was probably
an-on-the-job accident."

Melts in your mind: A researcher in San Diego says that eating 25 pounds of
chocolate can give you the same effect as marijuana.  Says Jay Leno, "But
as you know, the main effect of marijuana is eating 25 pounds of chocolate,
so it's the same thing."

Adds Alex Kaseberg, "Hey, dude, don't Bogart that Tootsie Roll."

Adds Hy Faber, "Today at Baskin-Robbins, they found Robert Downey Jr.
passed out in a vat of Rocky Road."

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