Fun_People Archive
5 Sep
Conspiracies redux: Snapple & the KKK?

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu,  5 Sep 96 00:04:04 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Conspiracies redux: Snapple & the KKK?

Forwarded-by: "Gregg H. Porter" <>
Forwarded-by: "Scott Kralik",
Forwarded-by: (Tom Wrona)

> This sounds like the kind of thing that may have been brought up before,
> but this is Canada, eh? It's claimed by several of my acquantances that
> Snapple, the yucky fruit drink, endorses and supports the KKK.

This is complete BS.

The KKK is endorsed by Procter and Gamble, who also supports the satanists,
and who sold Mrs. Field's cookie recipe to Neiman Marcus for $2,000 after
the kiddie tatoos laced with LSD that were supposed to be used for satanic
ritual abuse at that day care center in Beaufort were mistakenly eaten by
the choking doberman who was bitten by the snake that came out of the fur
coat that was worn by the escaped homicidal maniac whose hook prosthesis
was found hanging from the door of the car of the teenagers who high-tailed
it out of a lover's lane when they heard that he had escaped and then went
to the pot party where the kids who were supposed to be babysitting got high
on marijuana and were so stoned they accidentally put the baby in the oven
instead of the turkey that makes you sleepy because it contains tryptophan
because the microwave was ruined by the exploding poodle that the girl with
the beehive hairdo that turned out to contain roaches who had gotten an
automatic "A" at college because her roommate had committed suicide had put
in to dry after it had gotten wet chasing the vanishing hitchhiker who had
tried to warn the girl that her insides were cooked because she had stayed
too long under the sun lamp at the local tanning salon while her dad poured
a load of concrete into a new convertible parked outside of the house
because he thought it belonged to a guy who was having sex with his wife
but was really a prize he had won in a contest at that radio station that
played rock records that contained hidden commands and subliminal messages
planted by the Jews, international bankers, the Trilateral Commission, the
Council on Foreign Relations, the Illuminati, the New World Order,
multinational corporations, right wing militias, Jerry Falwell, the
Christian Coalition, Planned Parenthood, and the spooks at Hanger 18 of Area
51 in Dreamland who performed the autopsies on the aliens who crashed at
Roswell, New Mexico while on a mission to abduct people and conduct weird
sexual and reproductive experiments on them because they knew we use only
ten percent of our brains and that engineers had "proven" that bumblebees
can't fly and that sugar wakes you up even if you're a CIA agent who has
recovered memories about conspiring with organized crime and anti-Castro
extremists to kill JFK with a magic bullet, and then killed dozens of other
people whose odds of all dying within the period in which they did are
infintesimal even if you don't count their near-death experiences in which
an angel guided them to the light before they were called back because it
wasn't time for them to die like Mikey from the Life cereal commercials did
after eating Pop Rocks(R) candy when his friend Alice Cooper who was Eddie
Haskell on Leave it to Beaver woke up after a one night stand in a hotel
only to find that the girl he was with was gone and had written "Welcome to
the world of AIDS" in lipstick on the bathroom mirror which terrified him
because he knew that it is just as easy to get AIDS from heterosexual
intercourse as it is from homosexual sodomy with an IV drug user because
when the US government created AIDS to commit genocide against blacks who
aren't adversely affected by the minimum wage with the aid of Korean grocers
who don't give anything back to the community they knew that Anne Klein had
said on the Donahue show that she didn't want blacks buying her clothes
because when the poison they put in that fried chicken at Church's so The
Rich could keep the poor down because they can't be rich if nobody is poor
there would be a massive coverup like the Philadelphia Experiment or the
carburetor that can allow a car to get 100 mpg in perpetual motion just like
Nikola Tesla had done a hundred years ago using the same principal that Uri
Geller uses to bend spoons and psychic friends use to give you valuable
insights that improve your life for amusement purposes only while smoking
a cigarette that has no more been proven to give you cancer than evolution
has been proven to occur because it's only a theory and there are no
transitional fossils and it violates the second law of thermodynamics unlike
creation science which is not religious and fear of irradiated food which
is rational because we know it's bad just like the assault weapons that are
more dangerous than other semi-automatic weapons because they look scary
and ugly and they're ok to ban because the second amendment wasn't meant to
preserve the rights of individuals against the state like the other nine
amendments in the Bill of Rights but instead is the only amendment designed
to protect the state against individuals because if there is no effective
way to keep guns out of the hands of criminals the next best thing is to
keep them out of the hands of law abiding citizens and make sure only the
state has them because countries where the state doesn't permit its citizens
to own guns are never oppressive and the government doesn't become arrogant
and intractable and corrupt because the government can improve our lives by
suspending the laws of supply and demand to make prices fair and deciding
how many people of each race and sex should be in colleges and jobs which
is good because when control of everyday life is centralized in the state
the people who get to make the decisions are never capricious or highhanded
or make decisions favoring their friends and family and people who pay them
money because if only we can get the right people into positions of control
it will be safe to let them run things because smart people can figure out
how to allocate resources and what fair prices are for goods and services
and labor and who should be allowed to do what much more efficiently and
constructively than just letting millions of people make their own decisions
about what they should eat or drink or smoke or for whom they should work
for under what conditions for how much money on what schedule based on their
own perceptions concerns and plans in accordance with their best interests.

But I digress . . .

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