The Comedian's Eye View from 9/3/96, 9/4/96, & 9/5/96
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 96 17:02:44 -0700
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 9/3/96, 9/4/96, & 9/5/96
Excerpted-from: 9/3/96 -- ShopTalk
"We should cover the conventions, but if the current trend
toward total control continues, the only prime-time feature genuinely
worthy of our attention will be the presidential nominee's acceptance
speech... The real danger is that dis- enchatment with conventions,
politics and the press will translate into cynicism about what comes
next: the campaign, the election and, most important, the shape of the
next four years."
Say Goodnight, Dick: Top White House political advisor Dick Morris hastily
resigned Thursday after his affair with a $200-an-hour prostitute was
reported. Says Michael X. Ferraro, "On hearing the news, President Clinton
said, "That's crazy! How's he gonna pay her now?'"
o "Big Deal. Lawyers charge more than that-- and for essentially the same
service." (Karl Flemming)
o Morris worked for Democrats, Republicans, whoever would pay his fee. So
the woman he was with was not only a prostitute, but also a colleague."
o "According to the woman's diary, Morris nicknamed the president "the
Monster" and the first lady, "the Twister." Meanwhile, Bob Dole has a
nickname for the hooker: 'The Godsend.'" (Premiere Morning Sickness)
o "The Republicans immediately commissioned a new first-grade reader: 'See
Dick run. Jane call the White House. See President Clinton explain the
character issue." (Bob Mills)
o The GOP is thrilled that Morris never got caught when he was a
o "Letting a hooker read Hillary's speech gives new meaning to the
Democratic Party as a party of working women." (Lisa Schiffren)
o The Democratic Party was all family values on Monday, Tuesday and
Wednesday. Then on the last day, there was a sex scandal, three Kennedy's
making speeches and Bill Clinton. Everybody loves a late- inning rally."
o Morris' personal sexual habits have nothing to do with the president's,
according to White House Deputy Press Secretary Heidi Fleiss." (Bob Mills)
o "Dick Morris ran up a tab of $12,000 last year with Sherry Rowlands
because she charged him the way a DC cab driver does -- not by the meter,
but by the zone! (Paul Harris, DC's Arrow 94.7)
o "President Clinton should've known something was up when Dick Morris
announced he was working on his autobiography and was calling it "It Takes
A Hooker," with a forward by Charlie Sheen." (Harris)
o "The Cowboys won't go to the Super Bowl because Michael Irvin will miss
the first five games for being caught with those topless prostitutes. But
don't feel bad for Irvin, he's just been named President Clinton's chief
campaign strategist! (Dave The Predictor)
What a convention it was, says Cutler Daily Scoop. "They dropped balloons...
confetti... all references to Hillary's health plan.
Hillary says it takes a village to raise a child. Bob Dole says it takes a
family. Says the Olympia Daily World, "The way kids are today, I think
they're being raised by the Village People and the Manson Family.
Jay Leno says the people he feels most sorry for in this campaign are the
Secret Service agents guarding Ross Perot. "You train all your life to be
on the lookout for that one lone nut. . . and then you realize that he's
"O.J. Simpson spoke at a church in Washington, D.C. He is most inspired
with stories from the Old Testament. David slew Goliath and he didn't even
have to hire a lawyer." (Alan Ray)
Excerpted-from: 9/4/96 -- ShopTalk
"Two veteran marathoners were signing up for another road race, when
one leaned over to see what the other had filled in under 'Previous
Best Time." His response: 'Mary Jo Rafferty, 1971 Homecoming Dance.'"
Tom Rademacher, of the Grand
Rapids (Michigan) Press
Four for bridge? Says Tom Andres, "Bob Dole is building a bridge to the
past. Bill Clinton is building a bridge to the future. Ross Perot is
building a bridge to a parallel universe. Ralph Nader is blowing the lid
off all these bridge-building schemes: No competitive bidding, sweetheart
deals, shoddy workmanship... bridges that will be unsafe for voters at any
o Adds Alex Pearlstein, "If Clinton's first four years are any indication,
his new bridge is sure to be over troubled waters."
Ross Perot's supporters have a catchy slogan they love to chant at rallies,
says Fuzzbee Morse: "For more ears! For more ears!"
Says Jerry Perisho, "Dick Morris has been hired to direct the 'Gary Hart
for President in 2000 campaign."
"The White House is getting tough with Iraq. President Clinton is trying
to undermine Saddam Hussein's regime. He's ordered the U.S. Air Force to
fly over Baghdad and drop Dick Morris." (Alan Ray)
"Dick Morris is a top Washington political strategist. The White House knew
what they were getting into when they hired him. He told them he had a few
tricks up his sleeve." (Ray)
Frank Gifford said he and Kathie Lee might have a third child, adopted this
time. Says the Olympia Daily World, "They have to be careful, though. If
Kathie Lee has three children in their family, they are eligible to unionize
and could strike for guest-appearance wages."
o Adds Jenny Church, "If she really wants to care for a noisy bundle that
demands constant attention, she could adopt Regis Philbin."
Excerpted-from: 9/5/96 -- ShopTalk
"Calvin Klein has separated from Kelly, his wife of nine years. 'We
are still the best of friends,' the couple said. 'It's just that
we're not pretending to sleep together anymore.'"
Craig Kilborn -- On Comedy Central's 'The Daily Show'
Iraq attaq: The US missile assault on Iraq could finally spell the end of
Saddam Hussein, says Hy Faber. "The Pentagon just developed an
"Every news organization and cable service warned Baghdad that a US attack
was on the way. Even the Weather Channel got into the act. They reported
that the five-day forecast for southern Iraq was two days." (Argus Hamilton)
"Phase One of the attack: Jam all Iraqi TV signals with the Jerry Lewis
telethon." (Cutler Daily Scoop)
"The action was dubbed Operation Desert Strike. Aides talked President
Clinton out of calling it Operation November Landslide." (Bob Mills)
"President Clinton is facing yet another crisis...an uprising in a regional
capital of Viet Nam. So, he has come up with "Operation Muffett" -- a plan
to save Kurds and Hue." (Dave Lindner)
In the news: A White House spokesman said the president has a cyst on the
left side of his neck, but it's benign. Says Hamilton, "It's obvious Dick
Morris is gone. He's the one who convinced Clinton that everything on the
left is malignant."
Adds Leslie Nesbitt, "The Dick Morris story adds to the Clinton White
House's ethical morass- which, I think, is the problem in the first place."
Bob Dole says the military can cut the supply of drugs into this country
and make it too expensive to buy the ones that make it in. Says Paul
Steinberg, "Boy, leave it to the Republicans to find a way so only the rich
can afford drugs."
"A Chicago man paid 102 thousand dollars for a 1975 Ford Escort previously
driven by Pope John Paul ll. The last person to spend that much money on an
escort was Charlie Sheen." (Jim Barach - WFTV)
Nude dancers in San Francisco have voted to join a union:
"One thing they won't be demanding is a clothed shop." (Will Couzin)
"They want to improve working conditions. Every day it's the same old bump
and grind." (William H. Nash)
"They already have their own jingle: 'Look for the Union Pasty.'" (Mills)
© 1996 Peter Langston