Fun_People Archive
18 Sep
The Comedian's Eye View from 9/19/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 18 Sep 96 18:02:31 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 9/19/96

Excerpted-from: 9/19/96 -- ShopTalk

     "So far all of the networks have rejected a proposal that
      would provide 2 1/2 minutes of airtime to each candidate.
      Apparently, they think they might want to use that time to
      carry a Tyson fight."
                                  Conan O'Brien


Good morning, class: A Carnegie report says four out of seven preschool
programs don't meet quality standards.  The Olympia Daily World offers five
signs that yours flunks:
 o Kids learn their numbers by counting the teacher's tattoos.
 o For 'show and tell,' they bring in the guy who stocks the cigarette
 o Kids learn eye-hand coordination by playing "pin the tail on the
   Pamela Lee poster."
 o It counts as a vocabulary lesson when the kids hear the janitor
   hitting his thumb with a hammer.
 o A science project involves things kids find in their afternoon milk.

In the news: It's jury selection time in the OJ civil trial.  Says Alex
Pearlstein, "You have to wonder about that jury pool.  More than 95% of them
listed their occupation as 'future author.'"

"O.J. Simpson is being sued by the parents of Ronald Goldman.  Kato Kaelin
doesn't know which side has the edge in a civil trial.  North or South?"
(Alan Ray)

President Clinton and Bob Dole are pushing dueling approaches to the crime
problem.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Of course Clinton's tough on crime.
He's put more of his friends behind bars than any president in recent

Dole got some good news this week, says Alan Ray.  "The tobacco industry
has named a cigarette after his chances in November: Virginia Slims."

More Ray: "Bob Dole is on the stump.  His campaign staff has brought new
meaning to the term "family values".  When Roger Stone swaps his wife, he
gets a woman of equal worth."

Ross Perot won't get to be in on this year's presidential debates.
Says Jenny Church, "The debates were just declared a no-gadfly zone."

Adds Ray, "Perot is making another infomercial.  Producing shows that he
knows aren't going to make him a winner says one thing for the man:  he may
not get elected, but he has a job if he wants it at CBS."

This Friday David Letterman's show will be commercial-free.  Says Michael
X. Ferraro, "It's the first CBS show to go that route...  voluntarily."

Exciting news! The Chipmunks are coming out with a Macarena album.  Says
Jay Leno, "Apparently some record executives felt the song wasn't quite as
annoying as it could be.  Having Alvin in there could be just enough to send
people over that final edge."

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