The Comedian's Eye View of: 5/21/96, 9/20/96, 9/23/96, & 9/25/96
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 96 13:54:51 -0700
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of: 5/21/96, 9/20/96, 9/23/96, & 9/25/96
Excerpted-from: 5/21/96 -- ShopTalk
Excerpted-from: 9/20/96 -- ShopTalk
Excerpted-from: 9/23/96 -- ShopTalk
Excerpted-from: 9/25/96 -- ShopTalk
From: DON FITZPATRICK ASSOCIATES
Tuesday May 21, 1996
"All I know is, television does not make previously sane men
go out and kill five people, thinking they are all the same
guy. Not even 'Must See TV' could do that to you."
Agent Mulder (David Duchovny), unraveling
the mystery of a TV microchip that makes
TV viewers commit murder, on X-Files
In the news: The Disney Co. laid off 20 people in the California
Angels' front office. "What a ruthless takeover," says Argus
Hamilton. "Next, they're going to ask the government Base Closure
Commission to shut down second and third."
Disney has laid off 25 California Angels front office employees.
Terminated staff members say the severance package was kind of skimpy.
A Magic Morning breakfast. (Alan Ray)
Now that he's leaving the Senate, Bob Dole is planning to join the US
Olympic Team, says Joshua Sostrin. "He's hoping it will help his
Democrats defend President Clinton as "a deficit hawk." Says Jenny
Church, "True his tax plan will eat up any nest egg."
An irate Dan Quayle angrily accused Clinton of attempting to censure
him and others like him, says Alex Kaseberg. "Then it was explained
to him that the president wants to limit dumb mines, not dumb minds."
A male murder suspect who surgically became a woman to hide from
police was arrested after 17 years. Says Gary Easley, "She'll plead
for leniency, telling authorities she's a changed man."
Adds Charlie Reinke, "Kind of gives new meaning to getting caught in a
In Washington, HUD has established an Internet help site for the
homeless. Say Michael Kagan and Rick Sandack, "Now all they need are
computers, modems-and someplace to plug them in"
Civil rights groups are angry over the fall lineup announced by NBC.
For the first time in years, there won't be any shows about
minorities. Says Hamilton, "Apparently, NBC stands for Nothing But
Friday September 20, 1996
"Hey, it's not as if I work in an industry obsessed by image
Talk about a leap...After dating for nearly 60 years, Clark Kent and
Lois Lane will finally marry.
"The world is wondering if Superman can adjust to married life. Up to
now, his biggest challenge has been coming back from the dead." (Argus
"He proposed during a weak moment. She spiked his margarita with
Kryptonite." (Hy Faber)
"You can't blame Lois for being reluctant. How many women would be
willing to marry a guy who keeps a red cape and blue tights in his
"Hey, he's the Man of Steel, he can make diamonds out of a lump of
coal and her in-laws are another planet. What more could a woman
want?" (Jay Leno)
In the news: Bob Dole campaigned in LA this week. Says Hamilton, "he
doesn't really come here for the votes. It's the only place that will
give you collagen shots and not tell everybody."
Congress has subpoenaed the diaries of Dick Morris' call girl. Says
Leno, "A prostitute going before Congress...Well, at least she'll get
a jury of her peers."
They're not going to let Ross Perot into the presidential debates.
Says Bill Maher, "As a consolation, they've hired him to warm up the
A National Transportation Safety Board study shows that most children
use the wrong restraints or car seats for their age, height and
weight. Asks the Cutler Daily Scoop, "At what age does the trunk
become a viable option?"
Michael Lasky, founder of the Psychic Friends Network, offered
$500,000 to buy Eddie Murray's 500th home-run ball from the fan who
caught it. Says Cutler, "If his psychics were any good, wouldn't they
have told Lasky when and where Eddie was going to hit it?"
"Nude dancers at San Francisco's Lusty Lady strip club have voted to
unionize -- and they have named Dick Morris their shop steward. This
also marks the first time in history that there has been a $10 cover
charge for a picket line!" -- Paul Harris (Harris in the Morning --
WARW-FM 94.7 Washington's Classic Rock Station)
Dave The Predictor adds, "It also brings a whole new meaning to "Look
for the union label!" (Harris in the Morning)
Monday September 23, 1996
"Nice going Mike. See ya soon."
Former US V.P. Spiro T. Agnew to
78 year-old Mike Wallace. Agnew died
Bob Dole leaned too far over a flimsy fake railing and fell off a
stage. Meanwhile, President Clinton spoke at the edge of the Grand
Canyon. Says Argus Hamilton, "It could have been worse. Dole could
have been at the Grand Canyon."
"He was shaken but not hurt. Just like after San Diego, the bump was
only temporary." (Kenny Noble)
"He'll have a few aches and pains- and he's too conservative to use
Ben-Gay." (Hy Faber)
"First he attacks Hollywood's music, then its movies, and now he's
going after the stunt profession." (Bob Mills)
"Don King saw Dole take that fall, and now he wants him to fight Mike
Tyson." (Steve Disper)
During a campaign stop [in LA -psl], Dole referred to LA's Dodgers as
"the Brooklyn Dodgers"- which they haven't been since 1957:
"It was a stirring speech. He went on to condemn the League of
Nations, bash the Whig Party and call for a balanced-budget amendment
to the Magna Carta." (Alex Pearlstein)
"It could have been worse. He once referred to a Detroit game on
'Monday Night Football' as 'the Lions versus the Christians.'" (Mills)
"He's trying to get more current. He spent an hour scraping the Dewey
sticker off his Edsel." (Faber)
The fall TV season has begun. Says Ray, "Networks plan to bring us
more comedy and sex than ever: They've tripled their campaign
Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Did you see 'Men Behaving Badly'? It's
reason enough for 'Ellen' to go lesbian."
Le Cirque d' OJ II: Some potential jurors in the Simpson civil trial
are pleading financial hardship. Says Gary Easley, "There's already
such a glut of OJ books that nobody can make a deal."
The judge actually found one person who isn't already familiar with
the case, says the Olympia Daily World. "Trouble is, his life-support
system won't fit in the jury box."
This judge is pretty tough, Jay Leno says. "He's put a gag order on
all the lawyers involved. I don't think it goes far enough. I think
we ought to choke off their windpipes altogether."
Wednesday September 25, 1996
"Kathi Lee Gifford is a hypocritical, Bible-beating, insincere
media whore. She invited me on her show specifically to insult
me. I flew on a red-eye from Utah, where I was doing a charity
event Christmas week, to appear on her show and she said I was
propagating rampant immorality in America. And then the very
next week she was kissing Hugh Grant's ass. So who's immoral
"Big Deal's" Mark DeCarlo, & former
host of "Studs"
Altered state: America's most eligible bachelor, John F. Kennedy Jr.,
broke a million hearts Saturday when he married Carolyn Bessette in an
extremely private ceremony:
"The official story is that many family members didn't attend because
they weren't informed of the time or place. But word has it, they got
peeved when he sent out invitations using Marilyn Monroe stamps."
"When Bob Dole heard the news he quickly sent congratulations to JFK
Jr. and his new wife, Jackie." (Paul Ecker)
"Being a Kennedy, he's now considered 'America's most eligible
newlywed.'" (Steve Tatham)
Says Bob Mills, "Republican strategists were relieved to learn that
the real-life models for the angry execs in 'First Wives Club' weren't
Dole's, Newt Gingrich's and Phil Gramm's."
Was it a bomb? A missile? Mechanical failure? Janet Reno says the
cause of the crash of TWA Flight 800 may remain a mystery. Adds Jenny
Church, "Until it's made into a movie by Oliver Stone."
Astronaut Shannon Lucid is headed home after being in space since
March. Says Reno Goodale, "The bad news is, there's no shower up
there. The good news: You can eat as much you want and you're still
TV Guide revealed that some news programs use wrinkle-reducing special
effects to make their anchors look younger. Says Tatham, "Too bad
those cameras can't freshen up those tired old ideas trying to pass
for new fall shows."
© 1996 Peter Langston