Extensions to HTML
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 30 Sep 96 18:45:27 -0700
Subject: Extensions to HTML
Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpe <email@example.com>
From: The Terminator rAT <firstname.lastname@example.org>
New extensions coming soon to the World Wide Web:
This text throbs in a disquieting way.
Causes the text to be displayed in an alternating larger and smaller
fontsize, and a nasty magenta to yellow color cycle. It would also
generate an annoyingly loud LA-DUMP! LA-DUMP DUMP! sound out of the
multi-media system. Attempts to stop the throbbing should be
accompanied by loud shrieks and flashing images of monkeys in
You're never gonna get anything done if you keep screwing that
shell command up!
<Scold>s are rendered in huge, scrolling blinking letters and will
color cycle between yellow and neon green. Additionally, the text
enclosed in a <scold> tag will be sent to a speech synthesis
program running in the browser, which will scream in a loud and
slightly hysterical voice at the user. In a distributed environment,
the browser may forward the <scold> to other machines for maximal
Hey! HEY HEY HEY STUPID! Will ya stop pushing that goddamn button?!
This new tag makes the text leap off the screen and slap the reader
across the face. Unfortunately, very few systems are currently
hardware compatible with this option tag. It might be possible for
browsers to implement this option in software via a rapidly blinking
image on the video display screen, triggering seizures in less
[Technical note: "ROATS" comes from "Reach Out And Touch Someone",
a promising technology from The Phone Company that never developed]
Ooohh, yes! You LOVE our product don't you, baby? Tell me you love it!
<seduce> is designed for use by marketing companies. It functions
to throw a hypnotic spell over the reader, wherein the reader will
do stupid things like call 1-900 numbers, send credit card numbers
over insecure networks, or believe that the Web is an acceptable
place for commerical advertisement.
[Technical note: It is very important to include the </seduce> end
tag -- otherwise readers never come out of the trance and are
suitable only as livestock feed or mass-marketing executives.]
Our company is dedicated to the development of robust, industry-leading
technologies for scalable platforms.
The <drivel> tag should be used to set off useless, content-free
marketing statements. This allows the browser to automatically
ignore the content and replace it with the simple text "Blah blah."
Browsers may also search the document for content before displaying
it, and insert <drivel> tags where the signal to noise ratio is
below some user-determined limit.
[Technical Note: It is recommended that most companies use the
<drivel> and </drivel> tags in conjunction with the <body> and
</body> tags used to delimit textual content.]
This text will be rewritten with obscene descriptions of sexual acts
as soon as the reader looks away.
The <pervert> tag takes otherwise innocuous (see <drivel> above)
textual content and replaces it with very detailed descriptions of
sexual acts, containing lots of capitalized FOUR letter words.
Substitution should occur only after the reader has read past the
text and is concentrating on some other portion of the document.
If the reader attempts to scrutinize the changed text it must be
instantly returned to the original.
If the browser is incapable of following the scanning of the user's
eyes, it is acceptable to flash a full page image of a centerfold
immediately before displaying a freshly scrolled page. The exposure
must be limited to less than 1/30th of a second, however, for best
[Technical note: This tag must make changes that will be seen out
of the corner of the eye, but cannot be discovered by examination.
Subtlety is everything. It is, however, acceptable for the computer
to look guilty after rendering the <pervert> tag.]
You're such a loser! Get a life! You suck moose dick! Your mother is
dog-butt ugly and has fleas!
Text or images contained by the <abuse> tag will periodically pop
up in dialog boxes on whatever application the reader is using.
The dialog box will request some ridiculous and degrading
activity from the reader (i.e. "Go to 7-11 wearing only a 2-liter
plastic soda bottle and a pink dog collar to continue...") before
allowing them to continue their work.
[Technical note: the text of the messages should be stored in a
NVRAM or EPROM to discourage users from "fixing" their computers by
rebooting or reinstalling the operating system]
Rolling around on old newspapers coated with chopped nuts and Vaseline
is perverted, you know.
The text inside the <humiliate> tag is broadcast over all available
media to all potential listeners, as well as the reader's name,
address, telephone number and email address.
It will, for instance, be displayed, along with a picture of the
victim, in bright red letters on all screens in a multimedia lab.
[Technical note: if the browser is running on a non-broadcast network,
it is technically acceptable to re-format the text into an "I" state-
ment (i.e. "I like to roll around...") and email it to all the users
on the system with the subject line "I'll give you $100 if you help me
My feet hurt so bad from work and you haven't cleaned the house and
I can't find my driver's license and it's all your fault that I'm so
unhappy and nobody even cares about my feelings anymore and somebody
gave me the finger on the way home and ...
This tag provides a convenient method for the Web author to lay
heaps of blame upon the reader. It should be rendered smack-dab
in the center of the screen, in a large flashing font, and resist
all attempts to ignore it.
[Technical note: multimedia-capable computers should render this
tag as described above, as well as reading the text out loud in
a whiny, high-pitched voice. It would also be appropriate to throw
things at the user while in a <bitch></bitch> context.]
© 1996 Peter Langston