The Comedian's Eye View from 9/30/96 through 10/4/96
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 4 Oct 96 13:53:33 -0700
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 9/30/96 through 10/4/96
Excerpted-from: 9/30/96 -- ShopTalk
Excerpted-from: 10/1/96 -- ShopTalk
Excerpted-from: 10/2/96 -- ShopTalk
Excerpted-from: 10/3/96 -- ShopTalk
Excerpted-from: 10/4/96 -- ShopTalk
Monday September 30, 1996
You must remember this: Since school officials suspended that 6-year-old
boy for kissing a female classmate, Rob Bronow says it looks like we'll have
to rewrite that old nursery rhyme:
"Georgie Porgie, puddin' and stew,
kissed the girls and made them sue."
o "If they'd been playing doctor, he'd be facing a malpractice suit."
(Cutler Daily Scoop)
o "Hey, the kid thought he was safe- it was a 'singles only' first grade."
o "He's been offered $3 million to write a 'kiss and tell' McGuffy Reader."
o "And now the girl has tested positive for cooties." (Cutler)
o "He told her that kiss would be very valuable someday, since he plans to
grow up to be president of the United States." (Bill Williams)
In the news: Turns out the woman who held a cabby hostage for five hours on
the freeway was armed with...a curling iron.
"She belongs to an elite militia: the Green Barrettes." (Jenny Church)
"Apparently, she threatened the driver with 'salon-quality body and shine.'"
"The standoff with police ended when officers lobbed in canisters of hair
President Clinton announced a great new US savings bond. Says Argus
Hamilton, "He said it's flexible, it's variable and it matures in 10 years.
So it must have his picture on it." (Church)
"Frasier" star Kelsey Grammer is drying out at the Betty Ford Center after
flipping his car. Says Faber, "He's having some personal problems. Today
he called himself on the radio for advice."
o "NBC execs won't comment until test results come back. In Hollywood,
you're not legally drunk unless your blood-alcohol level exceeds your
Nielsen ratings." (Hamilton)
o "On the plus side, he's in line to be the new spokesman for the Isuzu
Trooper." (Charlie Reinke)
o "Why the Ford Center? When it comes to celebrities and rehab centers,
'You want to go where everyone knows your name.'" (Alex Kaseberg)
Carolyn Bessette married JFK Jr. just in time, says Hamilton. "Princess
Diana was flying in the next day. She's the only woman in the world who
would consider John-John a lateral move."
Tuesday October 1, 1996
"Bob Dole is so desperate right now, he's thinking of letting
his character become a lesbian."
In the News: Says Steve Tatham, "President Clinton has signed the Maternity
Bill, which, oddly enough, is also his nickname."
John Travolta is in line to play the Clintonesque president in "Primary
Colors." Says Hy Faber, "Travolta as Clinton? They'd better change the
title to 'Get Portly.'"
Millionaire murder suspect John DuPont has been ruled insane. Says
Hamilton, 'He thinks he's Mahatma Gandhi, he thinks he's the Dalai Lama, he
even thinks he can cut taxes by 15% and still balance the budget."
The US government has changed the rules for handling comatose individuals.
Says Jenny Church, "If a man shows no signs of motion for 18 straight hours,
his wife may legally pull the plug...on the TV set."
Before she left the space station Mir, Shannon Lucid conducted one last
experiment with the Russian cosmonauts, says Hy Faber. "They proved
conclusively that vodka and Tang make a lousy screwdriver."
Tournament of Roses officials named Olympian Carl Lewis as one of this
year's grand marshals. Says Stan Kaplan, "Led by the sprinter, the
three-hour parade is expected to finish in 10 minutes."
Sittin' in a tree: You can read all about that North Carolina 6-year- old
and his controversial kiss in his upcoming book, says Mark Gonzales. "It'll
be called 'Everything I Know About Sexual Harassment I Learned in the First
Adds Joshua Sostrin, "Film executives have already lined up Anna Chiumsky,
Natlie Portman and Anna Paquin to star in 'The First Graders Club.'"
Adds Hamilton, "The boy said he wants to grow up to be president- and he
thinks his harassment trial should be postponed until after he completes
Wednesday October 2, 1996
"It depends on the cat!"
WBNS-TV News Director Paul Dughi, when asked whether a
story of a cat being rescued in a tree by firemen could
beat out presidential campaign news
In the news: Jack Kemp keeps telling everyone that California is Bob Dole
country. Says Argus Hamilton, "We have OJ on trial, David Duke in the
Valley and Ellen set to fly out of the closet any day now. If this is Dole
country, Clinton may win on character after all."
Johnnie Cochran's new book is already in its third printing. Says Hy Faber,
"The first two were contaminated by the LAPD."
Adds Jenny Church, "It's the first book to come with an Armani dust jacket."
In the Mideast peace summit in Washington this week, says Hamilton, "We'll
have the Palestinians negotiating under Islamic law, the Israelis
negotiating under Judaic law and the Americans negotiating under Murphy's
A new ordinance in New York bans panhandlers who "threaten passersby, block
pedestrians, use threatening gestures or cause unreasonable inconvenience."
Says Joe Vogel, "Civil rights lawyers want to know why beggars are being
treated differently from other New Yorkers."
Thursday October 3, 1996
"Perot said he will hold his own debate with himself...That's
the great thing about this country. Another country, if you see a guy
with a bad haircut on the street corner screaming about a government
conspiracy, you lock him up. Here you become a presidential candidate."
Designated spitter: Baseball umpires are threatening a boycott until
Baltimore Orioles second baseman Roberto Alomar begins his suspension for
spitting in an ump's face:
"Couldn't Alomar have acted like an adult and just kicked dirt on his
shoes?" (Hy Faber)
"This could lead to the first World Series ever called on account of spit."
"Oh, well. Spit happens." (Jenny Church)
In the news: Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu met with Palestinian leader Yasser
Arafat at the White House. Peace is always possible, Argus Hamilton says.
"The other night, Loni Anderson was running her fingers through Burt's hair
and decided to give him a call."
Bob Dole was campaigning in a nursing home, says Ron Bronow. He greeted
one 90-year-old resident by asking her, "Do you know who I am?" She looked
up and replied, "No, but if you go to the front desk they'll tell you."
The House Ethics Committee has expanded its investigation of Newt Gingrich.
Says Bob Mills, "Spokesman for the speaker continue to insist that he has
never personally been involved with ethics in any way."
A speeding trucker led police on a 280-mile chase from Cleveland to
Rochester, NY, where he crashed. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "The trouble
began when he switched from truck-stop decaf to Starbucks Foglifter."
Ranchers in South Dakota are looking for signs of selenium poisoning in
their horses and cattle. The symptoms include hair loss and staggering.
Asks Cutler, "Is it possible that Kelsey Grammer has been misdiagnosed?"
First comes love, then comes marriage...The tabs are reporting that JFK
Jr.'s bride is nine weeks pregnant. Says Jerry Perisho, "Wow, and they've
been married only a week. That guy is a stud!"
Adds Hamilton, "What to name the baby? IF it's a boy, they should call him
Alan Ray tells us that a 13 year old Dayton, Ohio girl was suspended and
ordered into drug counseling for possessing Midol. "School officials
ignored the package in her purse at first. They thought it was just
Paul Harris adds: "First a six year old boy is kicked out of school for
kissing a girl. Now a junior high in Ohio has suspended a 13 year old girl
for borrowing some Midol from a classmate. School officials say they did it
"to ensure safe, drug-free schools." Trust me, I've been married a long
time...if keeping things safe and calm is the goal, you better let the girls
have Midol!" (Harris in the Modem)
Friday October 4, 1996
Poor sports: This week's Great Umpire Uprising began when Orioles
player Roberto Alomar spat in the face of ump John Hirschbeck. Says
Premiere Morning Sickness, "Although Hirschbeck claims the blob hit
him in the face, replays show it was high and outside."
Adds Mark Gonzales, "Had Hirschbeck responded the same way, it would
have been a case of 'The Umpire Spits Back.'"
New York City has started a quality-of-life hotline, which citizens
can call to report crimes committed, trash heaved, and flagrant
loitering. "In other words," says Alan Ray, "Jets game summaries."
An America West plane, already airborne, was ordered back to Dallas to
offload its 53 passengers so the California Angels could fly home on
it instead. Says Alex Pearlstein, "I knew the Angels sucked, but not
strongly enough to actually pull a plane out of the sky."
In the news: A 13-year-old honor student in Ohio is in trouble because
she accepted a packet of Midol from another student. Says Gary
Easley, "She obviously had a bad case of PMS- Pretty Moronic School."
Mother Teresa became the fourth person ever to receive honorary US
citizenship when President Clinton conferred it on her this week.
Says Steve Tatham, "The Dole campaign responded, 'That's all we need,
one more immigrant with a low wage job.'"
The American Heart Assn. says it's OK to overeat on occasion, as long
as you make up for it later. Says Easley, "Now we know where Clinton
got his balanced-budget plan...McDonald's."
A potential juror in the OJ civil trial told the court she knew
nothing of the first trial and did "not have an opinion on anything."
Says Bill Williams, "Scientists tested her DNA and think she's a
direct descendant of the ancient '50s Sitcom Woman."
The PSAT scholarship test is being challenged to eliminate gender
bias. Says Jenny Church, "Now it will be perfectly OK to stop and ask
A street in Hollywood is being renamed in honor of Scientology founder
L. Ron Hubbard. Says Tatham, "It's a cult-de-sac."
Former "NYPD Blue" star David Caruso wants to return to series
television. Says Pearlstein, "I think he'll have better luck on
cable. Shelley Long, Gabe Kaplan and Erik Estrada are pooling their
money to start up the Has-Been Channel."
© 1996 Peter Langston