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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 8 Oct 96 00:38:52 -0700
Subject: Deep Thoughts?
Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: Stefan Curl <email@example.com>
-- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told
him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't
want to upset him.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like
they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting
for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any
old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I
used to, until she got an unlisted number.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would
be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd
that I drive without pants.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon as really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you
could come up with!
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't
you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life?
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular singer as some people
think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the
last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the
words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
THIRD RUNNER UP
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the
wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some
tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more
desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire
and everyone died.
SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
a lawn mower.
FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear
beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to
die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that
I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him
a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more
than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of
kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest
of the night lighting farts.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
© 1996 Peter Langston