Bureau of Missing Socks
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 9 Oct 96 18:26:51 -0700
Subject: Bureau of Missing Socks
Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"
SOCK MATCH LEADS TO CALIFORNIA HITCHING
Jonathan Colby of Tuluca Lake, California, got more than foot warmer for
Xmas when he listed a white, ribbed, sports sock purchased at the Broadway
Department Store in our missing socks data base. A near perfect match was
made with a single owned by Gloria Reynolds of West Hollywood. They decided
to compare socks in person and it was love at first sight. Married on
December 23rd in LA the couple say that they owe it all to the Bureau.
(Note: Gloria found Jonathan's missing mate when she cleaned his apartment
for the first time. He never looked in the bookcase.)
RARE MEDICAL CONDITION: SOCK EATING SYNDROME
Source: Medical Tribune News Service SEATTLE -- A 22-year-old woman was
diagnosed with a rare medical condition, in which she craved consumption of
socks. She was eating about half a sock each evening. She also told
doctors that as a teen-ager she chewed on and swallowed clothing. She was
hospitalized after suffering from nausea and vomiting. The doctors found a
large bezoar in her stomach. She was diagnosed with a rare condition known
as pica, in which a person craves nonfood items. Previous to this incident,
doctors have reported cases of people eating dirt, hair, chalk, clay, glue
and other nonfood items. This is the first case of sock eating "Often, when
people have a craving it is because they are lacking something in their
diet," said Atif Awad, an associate professor of nutrition at the University
of Buffalo. "If you don't give salt to cows, they start licking the walls,"
CAREER OPPORTUNITIES IN SOCK ENFORCEMENT
The Bureau of Missing Socks is expanding. This is your opportunity to
become a undercuffer investigator of socks, Pedi-Forensic Scientist,
Knitologist. The growth of our data base services and commercial division
has created openings for systems designers, programmers, technical writers.
MBAs are being recruited for our Fast Track CEO program. A recruitment page
has been installed on this site allowing patrons to take our all in one
aptitude test and become Bureau Special Agents.
We are also searching for dogs to be trained as qualified sock hounds. If
you think you have a pet with this unique, singular talent the Bureau will
certify him. Sign up now!. (All Bureau Special Agents have full access to
our members only page which contains graphics that will sock your eyes out.
Don't sign up just to see the picture of the cheerleader without her socks!
You must be a confirmed sockophile!)
WOODSOCK - 96
Sock and Roll at the event of the century. Preparations are in full swing
for the music festival to end all music festivals. So, if you're foot loose
and fancy free, order your tickets now through socks@Jagat.com. Count them
..... one hundred bands! .... Unbelievable? .... Stomp and romp on a mountain
of unmatched socks higher than Everest. Cash awards for the team who finds
the most matched pairs in the pile. View daily feats of sockanery .... Sir
Blue Nose of Carlton, the world's champion sock sniffing hound, will
demonstrate his talents every afternoon at 3 .... Play Celebrity Socks and
win valuable prizes .... Visit the two acre flea market and shop to till
drop .... and .... much more. Keep your toes glued to SOCK NEWS for further
FORGET ABOUT SPORTS STARS
The Bureau of Missing Socks Announces the trading cards you have been
waiting for: "Socks that have Changed the World!" A full color, limited
edition, containing such gems as the socks Caesar wore when he crossed the
Rubicon, Napoleon's battle socks, and much much more! This addition to your
collection will grow in value as only five thousand are being printed. This
offer is limited to ten sets to a customer so reserve yours now by emailing
socks@Jagat.com. There is a pre-publication special of .... of an
unbelievable .... $8.75 per set.
Copyright, 1995 Joel M. Reed
The Bureau of Missing Socks <http://www.jagat.com/joel/socks.html>
© 1996 Peter Langston