Fun_People Archive
10 Oct
Bill-O-Rites Lite

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 10 Oct 96 23:24:08 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Bill-O-Rites Lite

			copyright 1989-92 by Joshua W. Burton


    Congress shall encourage the practice of Jewish, Protestant, or Roman
Catholic religion by its own public exercise thereof; and shall make no law
abridging the freedom of responsible speech unless such speech is in digital
form or contains material that is copyrighted, classified, proprietary or
offensive to non-Europeans, non-males, differently abled or alternatively
preferenced persons; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble unless
such assembly takes place on corporate or military property or within an
electronic forum; and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances
unless such grievances relate to national security.


    A well regulated Militia having become irrelevant to the security of a
free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall nonetheless
remain uninfringed, excepting such arms as are deemed likely to be purchased
by pushers, terrorists, organized criminals or the poor.


    No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the
consent of the Owner, unless that house is thought to have been used for the
distribution of illegal substances.


    The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers,
and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall be suspended
only to protect the public welfare; but upon probable cause or the
unsupported suspicion of law enforcement officials, any place or conveyance
shall be subject to immediate search, and any property found therein may be
permanently confiscated through the civil courts, without further judicial


    Any person may be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous
crime involving illicit substances, terrorism, or violation of civil rights
statutes; and may be subject for the same offence to be twice put in
jeopardy of life or limb, once by the several States and again by the
Federal courts; and may be compelled by various means, including the forced
submission of breath samples, bodily fluids, tax returns and encryption
keys, to be a witness against himself; and may be deprived of life, liberty,
or property, without costly and abusive legal delays; and any private
property thereby forfeited may be dedicated to the discretionary use of law
enforcement agents without just compensation.


    In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy and private plea-bargaining session before entering a plea of guilty
before an impartial and ethnically balanced jury of the State and district
to which the case shall have been redirected, which district shall have been
previously ascertained by polls conducted in the letter columns of news
magazines; and to be confronted with the witnesses against him unless such
confrontation might cause psychological trauma to the witnesses; to have
compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor subject to the
limitations of the Freedom of Information Act, and to have the Assistance
of underpaid and indifferent Counsel to negotiate his sentence, except where
such sentence falls under mandatory sentencing requirements.


    In suits at common law, where the resources of both contesting parties
shall exceed the wildest dreams of their respective legal Counsel, the right
of trial by jury shall be preserved.


    Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous accused
criminals will remain in custody, where cruel and unusual punishments
may be inflicted out of sight of video cameras.


    The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be
construed to deny or disparage others that may be retained by the government
to preserve public order, family values or national security.


    The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, are
reserved to the Departments of Justice and Treasury, except when the States
respectively, or the people, are willing to forsake Federal funding.

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