Fun_People Archive
25 Oct
The Comedian's Eye View from 10/28/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 96 23:51:19 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 10/28/96

Excerpted-from: 10/28/96 -- ShopTalk
[EOT cei,cfei.chi,cfhi,cdi,f]

                        Monday October 28, 1996

In the news: Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy is in trouble for trying to
illegally sublet her old apartment.  Says Argus Hamilton, "You can't
blame her.  Kennedys come and go but a rent-controlled apartment in
New York comes along only once in a lifetime."

Bob Dole tried to cut a deal with Ross Perot in which Perot would drop
out of the campaign:

"Listen.  You hear that giant sucking-up sound?"  (Cutler Daily Scoop)

"I've got a better idea.  Just kidnap Larry King."  (Alex Pearlstein)

"They should flip a coin: The loser drops out of the race and the
winner goes on to lose all 50 states to Clinton."  (Hamilton)

Al Gore's gardener was arrested for being in the US illegally.  Says
Hamilton, "It's embarrassing.  But if you think that's bad, wait'll
they find our he gave $500,000 to the Democratic National Committee."

The IRS is studying a plan to offer taxpayers the option of letting
the feds compute your income tax for you.  Says Jenny Church, "The IRS
doing your taxes? That'd be like Jack Kevorkian doing your physical."

The Wall Street Firm of Smith Barney is being sued by 24 female
employees, who charge sexual harassment and discrimination.  Says Jay
Leno, "At Smith Barney, they make money the old-fashioned way: They
underpay the women."

A government study shows that price scanners at grocery stores are
wrong about 5% of the time, but most of the errors favor the customer.
Says Cutler, "So shut up already!"

According to a new survey, 35% of men think having sex is a good way
to end an argument:

"Especially if the argument was over whether to have sex."  (Leno)

Leno adds, "This could revolutionize the game of hockey."

"I'm not sure if it's true, but it would sure make those televised
presidential debates more interesting."  (Steve Voldseth)

"The other 65% think having sex is a good way to end an introduction."


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