The Comedian's Eye View from 10/29/96 - 10/31/96
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 7 Nov 96 00:53:27 -0800
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 10/29/96 - 10/31/96
Excerpted-from: 10/29/96 -- ShopTalk
Tuesday October 29, 1996
Tick, tick, tick...Daylight saving time ended over the weekend. Says
Jay Leno, "We gained an hour. Or, as Dole supporters call it,
prolonged the agony."
In the news: Hillary Clinton celebrated her 49th birthday on Saturday.
Says Faber, "The White House had a big party for her. They played Pin-
Whitewater-on-Hillary and they even had a pinata filled with
Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Bill looked all over town to find the
perfect card to go with that pardon."
Dole's campaign asked Ross Perot to drop out of the race. Says Bill
Maher, "Perot said, 'I'd have to be crazy to do that.' They took that
as a yes."
Adds Vince Vieceli, "In another sign of desperation, Dole asked Jack
Kevorkian to knock off only Democrats."
The E! Cable channel is staging reenactments of the OJ Simpson civil
trial based on court transcripts:
"They have actors pretending to be lawyers and OJ pretending to be
"OJ offered to play himself, but they wanted someone more believable."
(Premiere Morning Sickness)
"An actor is pretending to be OJ Simpson- now there's a switch."
Congress vows to investigate the CIA's involvement in drug
trafficking. Says Alan Ray, "This comes at a time when the agency is
downsizing. Recently they had to lay off four dictators."
At a clinic in Arizona, coffee addicts facing surgery can get caffeine
in their IV drip. Says Church, "Select the house blend or Mocha
Adds Leno, "The best part of waking up is Folger's in your arm."
Designer Giorgio Armani will go to jail for 20 days for bribing
Italian tax authorities:
"The fashion guru will begin his stay in a splashy solid-orange
jumpsuit. Stenciled numbering provides an accent, accessorized with
chains. After sundown it's a switch to horizontal stripes that say
'incarceration' with a flair!" (Olympia Daily World)
"While waiting to make bail, Armani was approached by a beefy convict
who asked, 'Does this jumpsuit make my hips look too big?'"
"The government had to go after him with criminal charges rather than
civil litigation. Armani suits are just too expensive." (Ray)
Wednesday October 30, 1996
The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported an exchange between Tiger Woods and
a bouncer who tried to card the golfer during the Quad Cities Classic.
Woods: "I don't need an ID. I'm the Tiger." Bouncer: "I don't care if
you're the Lion King. You ain't getting in here unless you have an ID."
Countdown: We're just one week away from Election Day...
"People who are weary of Jack Kemp's incessant football talk can console
themselves that a week from now he'll have to take a hike." (Russ Myers)
"Bob Dole is getting desperate. First he quits the Senate. Then he asks
Ross Perot to drop out. Now, he wants to meet with Tonya Harding to see if
she's still got that lug wrench." (Olympia Daily World)
"President Clinton will be one busy guy after the election. His
things-to-do-today list for Nov. 6 reads: Pardon Hillary, pardon Tucker,
pardon the McDougals, settle with Paula, go to dry cleaners, fly to
Hollywood, appear on 'The Dating Game.'" (Argus Hamilton)
In the news: New York will give its World Series champion Yankees a
ticker-tape parade today. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "In a grand show of
sportsmanship, the Braves will lead the Bronx cheers."
Adds Alan Ray, "All across New York the cheer is the same: 'Hey! What are
you lookin' at?'"
Adds Hamilton, "It's an especially proud occasion for George Steinbrenner,
Joe Torre, and Betty Ford. Their boys did it."
Pope John Paul II proclaimed his belief that God and science can coexist.
Says Cutler, "Of course they can. Who do you think got me through my
Informants say mob leaders want to oust John Gotti as head of the Gambino
crime family. Says Ray, "Insiders claim it will take a lot to fill his
shoes. At least two bags of cement."
Old military bases are being used as movie studios. Says Buddy Baron,
"They're perfect- they're big, they have room for equipment and they're full
of people who get up early just to wait around all day."
The reigning Miss Canada, Danielle House, has been charged with assault
after punching a woman in a bar. Says Olympia, "Not only are pageant
officials unconcerned about the incident, she's been signed to a contract
with the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Thursday October 31, 1996
Happy Halloween ShopTalkers!!! Here are some disgustingly cute
tidbits for you on this darkest of days...
What does a monster call a girl who has three heads, nine eyes and six
How can you make a witch itch?
-- Take away her W.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
-- It didn't have the guts.
Why did the ghost starch her sheet?
-- She wanted everyone to be scared stiff.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
--Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
In the news: President Clinton won a mock election held on the Nickelodeon
cable network. Says Rudolph J. Cecera, "Of course, Bob Dole won on the
History Channel and Ross Perot on Comedy Central."
After swiping its "just don't do it" anti-drug slogan from Nike, the Dole
campaign is borrowing again, says Jenny Church, this time from the pork
industry: "Bob Dole--the other white male."
First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton rode Disney's Tower of Terror, a 13- story
free-fall drop. Says Argus Hamilton, "She said it's nothing compared to
Washington. She's faced grand juries that required her to drop a lot more
stories than that."
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia declared that Americans do not have a
constitutional right to die. Says Bob Mills, "Obviously, he's never watched
a sketch on 'Saturday Night Live.'"
The new Stephen King film features a lawyer and is titled "Thinner." Says
Steve Voldseth, "It's based on a Reader's Digest story: 'I Am OJ's Wallet.'"
Oprah Winfrey is the highest-paid entertainer in the country. Says Premiere
Morning Sickness, "Oprah says she keeps her trim figure by snacking on
dollar bills and staying away from the hundreds."
© 1996 Peter Langston