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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 96 19:08:29 -0800
Subject: Flaming Gerbils
Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <firstname.lastname@example.org>
[Many forwards, including Rich Kreuger of the Dysfunctionells, --ahem--
Actually from the LA Times.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a
cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and
a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first
and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's
like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot
out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime
fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up
a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into
my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the
truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor
and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot
and we took this cardboard tube ..." [Maybe they DID make it up... -psl]
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one
ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic
white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
© 1996 Peter Langston