Fun_People Archive
13 Dec
The Comedian's Eye View of 12/12/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 96 00:12:01 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 12/12/96

[For some reason we seem to be having a sequence of golf sightings.
 Isn't this a little out of season?  -psl]

                      Thursday December 12, 1996

     "Golf is something you play five years after you are dead. The
      ball sits there. It's like a blackjack dealer, 'Hit me, hit me,
      hit me.'"
                             Tennis commentator Bud Collins


Raindrops keep falling: Says Bob Mills, "Meteorologists measured the
downpour in Beverly Hills at 1.3 inches- 67% Evian, 18% Perrier and 15%
Crystal Geyser."

Meanwhile, the Northeast got clobbered by a massive snowstorm.  Hundreds of
thousands lost electric power.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "The man who
wrote 'Let it Snow' is now wanted in five New England states."

Adds Jay Leno, "Good news and bad news for people in New England.  The good
news.  They're assured of a white Christmas.  The bad news: At this rate,
they're also gonna get a white Easter, a white Fourth of July..."

Toy stories: A woman who was working as a mall Santa in New York says she
was fired because she's a woman. Says Leno, "I don't want to sound sexist
here, but I think men do make better mall Santas: Men have bigger bellies,
men are used to sitting for long periods of time, and men have lots of
experience making promises they have no intention of keeping."

Across the nation, toy stores are selling out of the Tickle Me Elmo doll.
Says Argus Hamilton, "It giggles and vibrates when you tickle it.  Under
the Communications Decency Act of 1996, they're not allowed to be sold over
the Internet."

Adds Alan Ray, "The furry little creature has already beaten the record let
by last year's big seller, Spank Me Madonna."

Adds Buddy Baron, "But you won't have any trouble finding plenty of these
least-popular toys:
5) Nintendo 1
4) Tickle Me Bob Dole
3) Barfin' Barbie
2) Norfus, the Dorky Power Ranger
1) 101 Rottweilers

In the news: The FBI reportedly has settled with former Olympic bombing
suspect Richard Jewell.  Says Cutler, "As part of the settlement, Jewell
gets to make fun of Tom Brokaw's accent."

Adds Paul Ecker, "Back to square one, the FBI is offering a reward: a gold
medal if you know who did it, a silver medal if you think you know who did
it, a bronze medal if you just have a clue."

David Gee says he watched Bob Dornan protesting his election loss on CNN
the other night: "Luckily, my TV remote has a 'moot' button."

Los Angeles' new system lets residents toss all their recyclables into one
blue barrel, no more sorting.  Says Jenny Church, "If folks still want to
sift through trash, they can always pick up the remote and channel surf."

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