Fun_People Archive
17 Dec
The Comedian's Eye View of 12/17/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 17 Dec 96 01:23:07 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 12/17/96

Excerpted-from: 12/17/96 -- ShopTalk

                      Tuesday December 17, 1996

   "It's been reported that Keanu Reeves is engaged to actress Amanda de
    Cadenet.  Asked to comment, Keanu said, 'What? I thought I was gay.'"

                                  - Norm MacDonald on SNL

Desperately seeking Elmo: "Only eight more shopping days until your kid
discovers you waited too long to buy the Tickle Me Elmo," Mark Gonzales

"Biblical scholars say the shepherds and wise men witnessed a true miracle
on that first Christmas.  They actually found a Tickle Me Elmo." (Alan Ray)

"There's only one item harder to find: A salesclerk to ring it up for you."

"How to pay for it?  With the Stretch Me MasterCard." (Ray)

A study shows that more large companies are planning holiday parties this
year.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "They're spending money they saved from

In the news: A new law requires the IRS to send out organ-donor cards with
all refund checks.  Says Argus Hamilton, "They're not just happy with an
arm and a leg.  Now they want permission to dig you up and go through your

On a cruise from San Diego, a 28-year-old man had the end of his nose bitten
off by another passenger.  Says Steve Voldseth, "Then Kathie Lee started
singing and he begged the guy to bite off his ears too."

                               o  o  o

Ovitz quitz: With part of his $90 million severance from Disney, Michael
Ovitz will buy four miles of Malibu Beach so he can exercise the rest of
his deal, says Paul Dean: "He got to keep the Dalmatians."

"The Catholic Church recently announced it won't recognize marriages
performed at Disneyland.  Now they're meeting to rule on the Eisner- Ovitz
annulment." (Teri Dryden)

"Seems like there just wasn't enough room for two Michaels.  As the Disney
song goes, 'It's a Small Executive Suite After All.'" (Bob Mills)

"It's hard to play second fiddle to a mouse when you've been top dog."

"He couldn't stand the way they all whistle while they work." (Jenny Church)

"He's getting $90 million to quit? Jeez, I'd leave my job for half that."
(Mack Dryden)

"Cynical observers says Ovitz will come out OK- and land on someone else's
feet." (Stan Kaplan)

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