Managed Caring (R)
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 97 13:34:24 -0800
Subject: Managed Caring (R)
MANAGED CARING (R)
by Richard Liebmann-Smith
(An editor of American Health Magazine.)
Welcome to Managed Caring(R), a whole new way of thinking about friendship.
The Managed Caring Plan(R) combines all the advantages of a "traditional"
friendship network with important cost-saving features.
* How does it work ?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship needs are met by
members of your Managed Caring(R) panel.
* What's wrong with my friends ?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services
from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where
you've lived, worked, or gone to school The result is costly duplication,
inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards,
responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental
behavior. Under Managed Caring(R), your friendship needs are coordinated by
a designated Best Friend, who Cares(R) about the quality of all your
* How do I know these aren't just a bunch of losers who can't make friends
on their own ?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are
as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(R) in a
cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to focus
on Caring(R) for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork
and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional
Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship providers have met
our rigorous standards of loyalty.
* What if I need a Special Friend, say for poker or fishing ?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery
system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you
for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a
Special Friend within the Managed Caring(R) network should your needs fall
outside the scope of his or her excellent training.
* Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(R) network? Can
my Best Friend ever refer me to them ?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting
your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
* What's that ?
The Managed Caring(R) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365
days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town,
after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(R) for someone
else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In such a
case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures
delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan,
provided you notify us within two business days.
* What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan ?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning,
gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back.
* Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the Plan ?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5,
going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
* How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered ?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
Managed Caring(R) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the proposed
Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within
24 business hours.
* But who decides what's appropriate for me ?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for ?
© 1997 Peter Langston