Blind Sex, The Dean's Address, & Bear Hunting
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 97 21:33:37 -0800
Subject: Blind Sex, The Dean's Address, & Bear Hunting
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis
one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my
Forwarded-by: Steve Hardaway <email@example.com>
The Dean of Women, addressing her charges, concluded, "And remember,
young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school.
When importuned by young men, ask yourself: 'Is an hour's pleasure worth a
lifetime of disgrace?' Now, are there any questions?" A young lady raised
her hand instantly and said, "Tell me Dean, how do you make it last an hour?"
Forwarded-by: chuck@NYC.Thinkbank.COM (Chuck Ocheret)
A guy goes hunting in the forest, equipped with a brand new, high-tech
rifle equipped with telescopic laser-assisted sight - the works. After a
while, he happens upon a huge bear in a clearing. Carefully, he takes aim
and, sure that he can't possibly miss this sitting target, fires.
He walks over to where the bear was sitting, and can see no sign of it
- the bear has completely vanished. He stands there scratching his head,
and then feels a tap on his shoulder, and turning round, sees the bear.
"Do you know what happens to people who shoot at bears and miss?" asks
the bear. "No" replies the hunter. "Well, drop your trousers, bend over,
and find out" instructs the bear. The hunter has little choice but to
comply, and the bear gives him one up the backside.
The hunter staggers home, and resolves to kill the bear after this
humiliating experience. He goes out and buys a high powered pump-action
shotgun with 500 rounds of ammunition, and sets out into the forest to track
down the bear.
At length he finds the bear and lets loose with the shotgun, blasting
away for about five minutes. When he runs out of ammo, he sees a scene
of utter carnage - the forest floor is littered with birds, rabbits, deer
- but the bear is nowhere to be seen. He then feels a tap on his shoulder.
"You know what happens to people who shoot at bears a second time and
miss?" asks the bear. Resignedly, the hunter drops his trousers and bends
over. The bear then puts two claws between his teeth, and lets out a loud
whistle - and all his brothers, cousins and extended family come running,
and they all queue up and give the hunter one up the backside.
The hunter crawls home and resolves more firmly than ever that he will
hunt down this bear and utterly obliterate it. He goes out and buys a
kill-anything, Gatling-action elephant gun and 3000 rounds of shells and
sets off once more into the forest.
The bear realizes something is up, and does everything to elude the
crazed hunter, doubling back, covering his tracks, laying down false leads,
but after some weeks, the hunter finally brings him to bay in a grove of
giant redwoods. Cackling maniacally, he lets rip with everything he's got
- trees are scythed down by the hail of bullets, and the force of the recoil
flattens him against the trunk of one of the redwoods. Eventually the smoke
and dust clear, and he realizes that the bear is not there. With
resignation, he waits awhile and then feels a tap on the shoulder.
"Look," says the bear, "are you sure you're only here for the hunting?"
© 1997 Peter Langston