Microsoft Joe-Bob - Press Release & Test
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 97 13:00:54 -0800
Subject: Microsoft Joe-Bob - Press Release & Test
Forwarded-by: "Matthew T. Kleinosky" <email@example.com>
MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
-- by Andrew Burke (ABurke@eworld.com)
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the release
of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up
a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The software for the rest
of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys
4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,"
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently seen
people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is right
for the rest of America to get wired!"
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a
garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library
in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internet's
hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have
software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses
between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the
click of a mouse.
"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It thinks
like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere," he says,
pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck.
Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.
"Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter video
games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just catering to
a demand, that's all."
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go America," and "QuickTime is
for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
[Is Microsoft Joe-Bob for you? Take this little test and find out!
In the true Joe-Bob tradition, this copy of the test already has all the
right answers written in (well, almost all of them). You only need to
get 3 questions right to qualify, but you get LOTS of chances... -psl]
You may be ready for Microsoft Joe-Bob if:
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Harley Ferguson)
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Nah, they all died last year.>
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
Only if you count the pups.>
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
Now, you are getting personal. >
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
A home is not a house.>
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
If it ain't what is?>
6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
No, it is a tanuki.>
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
You sure talk funny!>
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
Didn't somebody say "form follers function?" Was it Dolly Parton?
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and
writhing tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and
cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Nah, Granny; Yea Sue-Ellen.>
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
What's a fork?>
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
Man, don't knock it, if you ain't tried it!>
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
That's stupid. You put em inthe cistern.>
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
No, my cousin.>
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the
Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
That wasn't the ONLY reason.>
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
But only half as thick>
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
Along with Ford Times.>
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
Never been east of WEST Memphis.>
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
No, and it's a shame. Didn't pass the final.>
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Two lb. folgers can.>
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Well, the JP was in his pajamas.>
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
Imported from the Philippeans.>
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Never could keep thse damn talians straight.>
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell
are you looking at, Shithead?"
No Grandma don't allow no cussin. We say heck.>
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
Are there more?>
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
Damn sure works for chiggers>
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are
"Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same...
they're rednecks too!)
Only in formal situations.>
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Ain't got no brothers. Those are my sisters!>
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening
on the lube rack.
Ya gotta start somewhere.>
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Quit talkin dirty!>
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Second greatest. >
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
Never been sober enough to>
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Works great for dog hair.>
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
The family that plays together, stays together.>
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
It was either the ice box or the gun rack!>
46. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him
remove the wheels and skirt.
It's a 21-60 double expander.>
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
It's 8 with fries.>
49. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
That ain't ALL you can get at a Tupperware party!>
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
--------------------------- Intermission ---------------------------------
[PS: SOME of the spellin misteaks are intentional. - Ferg]
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Achieved at age 9.>
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Can't usually find it!>
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
No, that was Class of '53.>
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
There ain't no pavin in the whole damn county.>
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Hell no, I wouldn't chain no dog.>
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
Ain't they somethin?!>
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Well, how did I know they were gonna cut my pay.>
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Afore I lernd bout car hinges.>
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
At the top, man. At the top.>
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Your confusing with my cow and she's got weak stomachs. >
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
A hefty bag of what?>
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
Yea, it's got my name on it.>
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
Should never of done it.>
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
Chawins better thn smokin.>
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Bettern watching Leno.>
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Taint neither, dad flunked again last year.>
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
I don't understand what's funny?>
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
Ya got me confused with some cracker. Oklahoma Hills!>
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it
Thats what I call real service.>
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Damn persnickity forman.>
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
Gonna get it tonight.>
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
Gonna get it tonight, too.>
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
Dad complains in the mornin if'n I don't.>
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H
I try to match the paint stains on my overalls.>
78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
We calls it the Begonnia Bidet.>
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
What's a refrigerator? She outweight the icebox, but not much.>
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
Knew the damn thing was around somewhere.>
82. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on
shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Don't need no flashlight. The crapper glows in the dark.>
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
only need to buy one gift.
As I said before, "The family that --->
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.
Just wait, I'll get the last laugh.>
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
Only straight out of the can.>
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
Only where there're ladies to impress.>
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
Not me, that Bubba, my sister.>
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt, and thermal underwear.
That is a winter three piece suit.>
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
WHAT were you doing in my closet?!>
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
No, just having a little fun wid those city-slickers.>
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
Better than making a withdrawal.>
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
Not me, I made it thru the first semester of the 6th.>
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm
below the shirt sleeve...
Right arm Bubba-san.>
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
One for evert trakter and truck in 'merica. >
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
That is about maximum for one bill.>
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
Ain't no truck if you can't.>
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
No, but I put Spumoni in the radiator of a Sprite, and that ain't
99. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
You forgot Bubba's my sis and there ai't no coon in back of her barn.>
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
No need for logos on undershorts.>
--------------------------- Intermission ----------------------------------
[PS: Really! Them speling errors are part of the humer. Get it? -psl]
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can lose them or not.
Ain't never been a fed I couldn't loose wet of town. >
102. You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that's mobile!
No, the house's wheels are on the sixth car, that is mobile.>
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
Much safer that way.>
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake
set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
Did you ever have the seat come of the rails in a borrowed VW?>
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Well, he's a lot younger. >
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
1. It is cat fish, not bass, and 2. You can't get some on an empty
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
It's got lots to hold together.>
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
And the footboard, just in case.>
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Came with the "Complete collection" 8-track.>
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
Did you ever wear sneakers in a cow lot?>
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Makes sense to me. Can't put a casket in no punny little Honda. >
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
Only one with'em all together.>
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
Gotta have something to play the Elvis "Complete collection">
115. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
As I said before --->
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
One of them is ALMOST finished.>
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
Actually, it was the theme from Gangbusters.>
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
It's even easier to let the goats do it. >
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are
three of the primary colors.
Didn't you study Physics? There are ONLY three primary colors.>
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
your sister's honor.
Bubba can defend her own honor.>
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
More like, "Damn tha gear shift!">
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
That's the one thas almost finished. >
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
She's got a bad back.>
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
Ain't none of their dern business, and there is too many cats
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
grandma a new plug of tobacco
Well, turn abouts fair play.>
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Not since '56, there ain't.>
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
We believe in prarie dogs.>
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado
Like a big-ol Rock Island freight barrlin down the trank.>
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
Damn things just keep slippin!>
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
Home town only, heck no! All over western Tokyo.>
135. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Damn site better than them sissyfied city gals.>
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in
Gotta get that engine tuned.>
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
the local bar.
We have our fun. Why can't they. >
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the
new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
Got it for a retirement present.>
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
My little sister's my little girl.>
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will
Always Love You".
She's something else, ain't she?>
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a
very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke...if you laughed...you must
be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
I don't get it.>
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Bettern those store-bought kinds. >
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton true-life story)
You meet a better class of folks there. >
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
Actually, it was two Glenn Miller limited editions.>
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan
Who is Alan Jackson?>
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
A pickup is useful.>
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
Not me, ruins the meat.>
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Divided by half the number of people in the family.>
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You get a hypo, drain the juice outta ornges, --- >
--------------------------- Intermission -----------------------------------
[PS: Still reading? You've really got time on your hands, don't you? -psl]
151. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
Hell no! A Mustang once or twice.>
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Better'n that synthetic shit!>
© 1997 Peter Langston