Fun_People Archive
27 Jan
An Open Letter to the CEO of Mattel Inc

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 97 15:28:23 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: An Open Letter to the CEO of Mattel Inc


Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

Dear Mr. CEO:

    Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits
in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
    There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to
smell it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
    I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are these bathing
    suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
    and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.
    What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
    underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
    wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with that earring
    anyway?  Okay, if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him
    (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
    once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
    just get it done.

6.  A jog bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
    about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
    container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
    "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake
    fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
    Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Malibu, CA

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