Ode to a Mammogram
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 97 22:22:07 -0800
Subject: Ode to a Mammogram
[This is the latest article in our continuing education series for people
who've never had a mammogram (imaginative Fun_People may remember a previous
article in the series entitled "Hooter's Index" (see Note 1) which contained
the valuable statistics...
Approximate percentage of Americans who will ever have
a routine mammogram: 50 (see Note 2)
Approx. percentage of mammogram designers who will ever have
a routine mammogram: 0 (see Note 3)
Forwarded-by: chuck@NYC.Thinkbank.COM (Chuck Ocheret)
ALEX HAAS wrote:
ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
and give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
and protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
and always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram,
to look inside that clump.
Stand up very close, she said
as she got my t*t in line.
And tell me when it hurts, she said
Ah yes, there, that's just fine!
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched-n-stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor t*t was being squashed
to Swedish pancake thin!
Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless t*t!
Take a deep breath, she said to me.
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe, woozy I'm getting!
There, that was good, I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
Now let's get the other one
Lord, have mercy, I was praying!
It squeezed me from the up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done
to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now....
If there had been a cyst in there,
it would have popped, ker-pow!
This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his b_ll's in there,
For months he'd go without!
Note 1 - Don't go looking for "Hooter's Index" - I just made it up.
Note 2 - And I made this up, too. The idea is that men rarely get mammograms.
Note 3 - Yup, you guessed it. The idea is that, by and large, men have been
deciding the fate of women when it comes to health issues.
© 1997 Peter Langston