Fun_People Archive
10 Feb
USOTD (Uplifting Story of the Day) - 2/10/97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 97 13:57:20 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: USOTD (Uplifting Story of the Day) - 2/10/97

[It's amazing how sure of themselves some people can be...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: "Cochell, Jim" <>

    STILLWATER, OK--Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee was long known for
saying, "The word failure is not in my vocabulary." Author of the
best-selling You Can Do It!, his eight-step plan to personal fulfillment
has helped millions turn dreams into reality.

    Now, according to Kalbee, after six failed real-estate ventures, two
divorces, two bankruptcies and a five- to ten-year prison sentence for tax
evasion, he is adding the word to his vocabulary.

    "I am a miserable, hopeless failure," said Kalbee from his 5'x5' cell in
Stillwater State Prison. "Am I ready to add the word? You better believe it."

    At the height of his career, Kalbee packed conference rooms from Florida
to California with aspiring entrepreneurs who paid $249 to hear him speak.

    "Attendees of my 'Strategies For Success' seminars would say the 'F'
word and I would stop them dead in their tracks," Kalbee said.  "Failure is
not a word!' I would tell them. 'You haven't failed, you've had a learning
experience that will lay the groundwork for future success!' Well, as I now
know, failure most definitely is a word."

    While unable to obtain alcoholic drinks in prison, Kalbee has developed
"Strategies For Getting Drunk," a cassette tape series intended for
"failures like me" that he plans to produce upon his early release in 2002.
"It's a three-point plan that I have already proved works. It goes:  One,
pour gin into glass; two, drink gin; three, repeat 15 times."

    Kalbee is also co-developing a new motivational system with his cellmate
that he calls "Beat-cessories." It includes the "Five Points of Facial
Blows" and "Anal-Rape Blackout Strategies."

    Kalbee's failure was so broad in scope that even those around him and
those who learned from his motivational methods have become failures.

    "He ruined my life," said Judy Sims, a mother of four from Elyria, OH.

    Sims purchased Kalbee's Go For It! cassette tape series. After listening
to the tape, she adopted Kalbee's Three Habits of Successful Living: Invest
Everything, Work Hard, Hope. She then squandered her family's savings
attempting to realize her dream of owning her own family-style chicken and
waffle restaurant. When the restaurant went out of business, she had to sell
the family home, put her children in foster care and become a $30-a-night
prostitute just to pay off creditors.

    "I also have AIDS," Sims added.

    According to Kalbee, there's no hope for those who've tried his success
strategies. "They will fail, just like me, in everything they do."

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