Microsoft Bashing Time again!
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 97 13:38:28 -0800
Subject: Microsoft Bashing Time again!
Forwarded-by: Schistosoma intercalatum <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Microsoft Product-Announcement Template
MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME>
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to <INSERT M$'S LAME IDEA ABOUT WHAT USERS
NEED>, Microsoft announced today that <INSERT M$'S LAME ANSWER TO LAME IDEA>.
"<DUMB QUOTE FROM A M$ EMPLOYEE ABOUT HOW USERS WILL `BENEFIT' FROM THIS
NEW M$ APPLICATION>" said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision, calling it "bold and
innovative!" "This new <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will free Windows
users from <SOME BUG OR MISSING FEATURE WHICH IS M$'S FAULT IN THE FIRST
PLACE>. It also gives Windows a new feeling of <SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE
ANYONE USING ANY OTHER OS FALL ASLEEP>", said a member of Ziff-Davis
Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why <INSERT COMPETING
SOFTWARE APPLICATION'S NAME> is failing in the marketplace -- they have
failed to deliver an <ENTER FEATURE THAT ONLY A
BUSINESS-MAJOR-TURNED-COMPUTER-JOURNALIST COULD DREAM UP>."
When asked when <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> would be available, a
Microsoft spokesperson said "<INSERT CONVOLUTED QUOTE THAT CONVINCES THE
USER THAT THE APPLICATION WILL BE RELEASED SOON OR EVEN YESTERDAY, BUT
DOESN'T COMMIT TO ANY SPECIFIC DATE>." The spokesperson also added, "It
really doesn't matter since <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> is destined to
be the most <INSERT GLORIFIED PRAISE FOR NON- EXISTENT APPLICATION AND BE
SURE TO MENTION HOW IT WILL BE 'POWERFUL' AND WILL 'DOMINATE THE WORLD
Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "<INSERT NEW M$
APPLICATION NAME> has already revolutionized the industry."
A spokesperson from <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE VENDOR'S NAME> disagreed
however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell products that don't exist.
<INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE VENDOR'S NAME> has been shipping <INSERT
COMPETING PRODUCT THAT IS UNHEARD OF THANKS TO M$ MASS-MARKETING TECHNIQUES>
since <INSERT DATE FROM PRE-HISTORY (SEE JURASSIC PARK FOR EXAMPLES)>.
<INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME>, or whatever it's called, still relies on
DOS's <INSERT STUPID PART OF INSIPID DOS OPERATING SYSTEM> and is not a true
<INSERT LATEST COMPUTER JARGON FOR _MODERN_>." He added that "users who
think that <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will have no problems will be
in for a surprise."
Most users appear to remain unconvinced however. "<INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION
NAME> will <INSERT A NONSENSE LIST OF THINGS ANYONE USING ANY OTHER OS HAS
HAD SINCE THE ENIAC> and it won't have any bugs or compatibility problems
because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE
APPLICATION'S NAME> which is less than perfect, when <INSERT NEW M$
APPLICATION NAME> is right around the corner?"
"An ancient eastern proverb says: I complained because I had no shoes; then
I met a man who had no feet. For the 90's: I complained because I had no
PowerMac; then I met a man who used Windows."
-- Cloyce Sutton
"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
-- Samuel Clemens [Mark Twain] c.1900
-- Apple Computer [1984,1985,1986,1987,1988 ad nauseam]
IBM: "I'm Buying Macintosh"
Windows-(n): The Fisher Price version of the Macintosh OS.
http://www.apple.com/ ... How Microsoft finds where they want to go today.
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
"Who needs horror movies when we have Microsoft"?
-- Christine Comaford, PC Week, 27/9/95
Excerpt from new OSHA regulation on computer systems:
"... if said motherboard has installed an Intel central processing unit,
there will be affixed to the case, in a prominent location, the warning
label: 'Intel Inside.'"
© 1997 Peter Langston