Fun_People Archive
28 Feb
The Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 28 Feb 97 17:44:41 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"

[Well, I have a problem.  The Top Five people have several different  
copyright notices attached to their lists.  The one in the Top5 archives is  
very restrictive; it says something like: "Property of Ziff-Davis  
Publications, use of any sort by anybody in any form without explicit written  
permission is punishable by death or worse" - I'm not sure I got the wording  
just right, but you get the idea.
    So I figured, okay, I'll ignore Top5 since most of them didn't strike me  
as funny anyway.  But people kept sending me lists that might have come from  
Top5 and that were occasionally very funny.  But I had no way to know what  
their origin was (thanks to those dim bulbs who strip off attributions).
    So I figured, okay, I'll subscribe and try to remember what the topics  
were so I can avoid reposts of old Top5 lists.  That worked fine; they came,  
sporting a very permissive copyright notice, but I didn't care because they  
were lame anyway.  But then a really funny and even controversial one came  
along with a great disclaimer attached...
    So I figured, okay, I'll write a long and boring introduction that will  
convince everybody that I'm really trying to do the right thing even if I  
slipped up this one time.  And then I'll point out that I'm complying with  
the copyright notice on the e-mailed version.  And then I'll excerpt it, just  
keeping the more interesting parts.  And finally I'll remind the Fun_People  
that I do see all the Top5 lists and don't need any more copies (although I  
appreciate the thought).
    Shhh...  With any luck, the Ziff-David lawyers have dozed off by now...

Excerpted-from: Top5 - 2/28/97 - Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"

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The following list is a comedic look at the book, "Dianetics", and its
author, the world-renowned, highly-esteemed, late science fiction
writer/adventurer/yachtsman/horticulturist L. Ron Hubbard.  In it we stretch
the truth, bend the facts, and probably even make up some stuff.  Nothing
you read here should be taken seriously.  I'm sure the Scientologists are
fine people.  Okay, I'm not *really* sure, but there's always the remote
chance that they're fine people, isn't there?  Regardless, we don't want them
suing us (not that they're famous for doing that or anything), so don't
believe anything you read here.  Just laugh at it, then go back to your jobs.

       The Top 15 Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"

15> "Getting Chicks To Say Yes:  L. Ron Answers the Booty Call"

14> "Hey, If It's In a Bestseller, It MUST Be True!"

13> "Travolta 3:16"

12> "Making Your Own E-meter With Dixie Cups And Duct Tape"

11> "Chapter 26:  In Which Luke Discovers that L. Ron Vader is His
     Real Father"

10> "Chapter 5:  Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot"

 9> "'Old Mother' Hubbard -- L. Ron, the Transvestite Years"

 8> "Chapter 12:  Geez, You're Still Buying This, Aren't You?"

 7> "The Human Mind:  That Vast Realm Half an Inch Behind the
     Forehead (Two Inches Back for Scott Hamilton)"

 6> "When a Lawsuit Hits Your Eye, Like a Big Pizza Pie,
     That's Scientology"

 5> "He's NOT the Telescope Guy!"

 4> "Chapter 11:  How To File For It"

 3> "Movie Stars -- Are They Gullible, or What?"

 2> "Chapter 3:  Post This on the Internet and We'll Sue Your Ass!"

    and the Number 1 Least Known Chapter in "Dianetics"...

 1> "Commandment Number One:  'Show Me the Money!'"

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