The Comedian's Eye View of 3-7-97
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 97 16:49:44 -0800
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 3-7-97
Friday March 7, 1997
"I think it's inappropriate for our competitors, who have gone through
their own incarnations--including moments like Connie Chung anchoring
rinkside at Tonya Harding's rink--to judge us."
--NBC's Tom Brokaw, in response to comments by CBS'
Dan Rather that NBC's "Nightly News" is 'news lite'
Discussion of the adequacy of the LAPD's firearms continues. "In the middle
of the bank shoot-out, police needed to get more firepower to combat the
gunmen's heavy artillery," observes Premiere Morning Sickness. "Fortunately,
there was a post office nearby."
Capitol Beat: President Clinton banned the use of government funds for human
cloning research. "No wonder," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "The
government research could to wrong and you could end up with a bunch of
"Only private funds will be used to clone Democratic voters." (Scoop)
"Hearings are set for next week on the nomination of Tony Lake as CIA
director. Some senators are demanding to see his FBI file, but
unfortunately, the White House doesn't have any FBI files on Democrats."
Al Gore is taking a lot of flak for his role in campaign fund-raising.
In true vice presidential style, his statement said, "Wow. This is becoming
a real hot potatoe." (Bill Williams)
"Gore's phone solicitations were very effective. He not only raised several
hundred thousand dollars for the Democratic National Committee, he got 15
people to switch to MCI." (Alan Ray)
"They're already calling the Gore scandal 'Dullgate,'" says Jay Leno. "But
actually I'm very happy for Gore. Finally getting his own scandal. Maybe
he can be president someday."
Business World: Bill Gates says Microsoft's growth will slow. "Yeah," says
the Scoop. "World domination is one thing, but galactic empires take time."
"AT&T says it will stop the practice of issuing $100 checks to lure
customers back," says Johnny Robish. "Customers who remain loyal will
instead be offered an opportunity to sleep in Alexander Graham Bell's
In the News: "Pope John Paul II criticized genetic engineering. But some
of it is very beneficial," Hamilton says. "One scientist crossed a chicken
with a silkworm and got a hen that lays eggs with pantyhose inside them."
A survey of 33 metropolitan areas found New Orleans has the highest
percentage of obese people. "What do you expect?" asks the Scoop. "Butter
is the Louisiana state vegetable."
"Dallas-Fort Worth finished high on the list because Texans routinely
overestimate their size," says Bob Mills.
© 1997 Peter Langston