The Comedian's Eye View of 3-10-97
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 7 Mar 97 18:04:00 -0800
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 3-10-97
Excerpted-from: 3-10-97-- ShopTalk
Monday March 10, 1997
"At my home I have cable TV, and it was rather a
shock to find only four channels at the Palace.
Well, that wouldn't do. Within 24 hours, I had 50."
-- Prince Andrew on bringing cable
to Buckingham Palace
Politics as Usual: The GOP fights to limit fund-raising investigations to
the White House. Democrats fight to extend the investigation to Congress.
"the American public fights to stay awake." (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Newt Gingrich says the Democratic fund-raising scandal is bigger than
Watergate. "Oh, right," says Jimmy McConnell. "It's all those illegal
break-ins Clinton authorized."
Klanwatch says there has been a 6% increase in extremist groups in the US.
The Daily Scoop advises on how to tell if your group is extreme:
+ "Your leader talks regularly to God about armaments
+ "Your leader thinks he is God.
+ "You don't have fun because 'fun' contains the letters UN."
New in Sports: Former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda has been elected to
the Baseball Hall of Fame. "At a loss for words, he credited Slimfast."
Star Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning eschewed millions from the NFL to
stay in school for his senior year. Says Alex Pearlstein, "The lure of
turning pro was quelled with a few simple words- 'and the No. 1 1997 draft
pick goes to the New York Jets.'"
Modern Travel: "United Airlines has announced plans to increase the size of
portion in its in-flight meals," says Steve Voldseth. "Apparently the food
they serve now is not quite cold enough in the middle."
Around the Country: "You hear about this third-grader in Las Vegas?" asks
Jay Leno. "Signed his name in wet cement, was arrested, strip- searched,
charged with a felony. Things have certainly changed in Vegas. In the old
days it was OK to put whole guys in cement."
Ticketmaster has announced a new service securing specific tee times for
golfers. OJ Simpson made a note to himself, says Jerry Perisho: "Remove
that loser Robert Baker from speed dial. Add Ticketmaster."
If the San Fernando Valley secedes from Los Angeles, it will need a new
name, observes Bob Mills. "In the tradition of Baden Baden and Walla Walla,
separatists favor naming the new city Bang Bang."
© 1997 Peter Langston