Close enough to smell them Captain....
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 97 14:56:26 -0800
Subject: Close enough to smell them Captain....
Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Scott E Patrick)
NEW -- TREKFUME
In their continuing effort to milk it for all it's worth, Paramount,
in cooperation with Calvin Klein, will be unveiling the new "Next Generation"
colognes and perfumes for the fall season. Most will be available in the
bargain bins at K-Mart, Ames, and other fine cosmetic outlets. I felt it
necessary to acquaint you with some of with some of ad campaigns... and a
few that didn't make the production line:
"ENGAGE" (based on Jean-Luc Picard, magazine ad to appear in Vanity
Fair, Rolling Stone, Field and Stream, and Billiard Balls Anonymous)
The ad is in black and white, complexion-verite style and features the
good Captain (Patrick Stewart) in chains, representing the "Chain of Command."
His uniform pants are pulled down just enough to reveal his 24th century
Calvin Klein underwear. He is topless (in more ways than one) and wearing
a goofy grin, similar to that of Marky Mark.
The printed text reads: "Steadfast. Strong. French. All that is
Jean-Luc. All that can be you. Make it so."
"NUMBER ONE" (based on Commander Riker, television ad to run on TNT,
and local public-access channels)
The spot features Jonathan Frakes in flannel shirt and seated on a
stool, though visible only from the waist up. Frakes, of course, is
The printed text reads: "Hello. I'm Jonathan Frakes. You may wonder
why Commander Riker scores with all the hot alien babes every week on Star
Trek: The Next Generation. Well, a lot of it has to do with my charm and
charisma, but mostly it's this stuff here. (Frakes reaches down to hoist up
the two-gallon jug version of the product upon his lap.) "NUMBER ONE" by
Calvin Klein. Yeah, I splash on this stuff everyday. One whiff of this is
enough to blow her pantyhose off! So if you want to be a big studly guy
like me, pick up this. It's better than 'Hi-Karate'."
Scene cuts to black and white cloud-flecked sky shown in sped-up form.
Two-Gallon jug of "NUMBER ONE" fades in. Breathy female voice intones:
"NUMBER ONE by Calvin Klein. Don't use it sparingly."
"SLUT" (based on Counselor Deanna Troi, magazine ad slated to appear in
Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and other revealing publications)
The color ad, displays the confident Counselor (Marine Sirtis) on her
bed, in very revealing, new Calvin Klein designer lingerie, wearing a cocky
grin. Sirtis holds a small, mind-shaped bottle posed provocatively between
her breasts for the tight, insert shot. (So to speak.)
The printed text reads: "Hellooooo. I'm Marine Sirtis, but you probably
know me better as the token space bimbo. Who cares? I get paid a fortune
to drag guys into bed. You don't think I could do it with just my looks,
do you? When I'm wearing "SLUT" men just don't care. You too can be a
Other products/campaigns have been abandoned:
"NUMBER TWO" (based on...who the hell is #2??) wound up in the toilet.
Besides, it smelled REALLY BAD!
"BLIND FAITH" (based on Geordi, LaVar Burton) offered limited appeal with
the slogan: "So blind people can smell you coming."
"Q" (based on Q, John de Lancie) fizzled when the name conflicted with
another fragrance for gay men.
"WARRIOR" (based on Worf, Michael Dorn) tended to make people too
aggressive. Several testers ended up in the hospital with unusual
"BLACK HOLE" (based on Gynan, Whoopie Goldberg) raised objections from
various groups and organizations.
"MOTHER" (based on Lwaxana Troi) seemed to offend most everyone.
"ALLORE" (based on Lore) tended to bring out the evil in people.
"ANDROID" (based on Data) invoked little emotion.
© 1997 Peter Langston