Fun_People Archive
27 Mar
Bits o' Bull No. 416!

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 97 01:29:50 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Bits o' Bull No. 416!

Excerpted-from: BONG Bull No. 416!

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  Copyright (c) 1997 by BONG.  All rights reserved.

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WHO COULD EVER FORGET OLD WHATSISNAME, THE UNFORGETTABLE?  In an on-line
discussion of the character of journalists last week, this all purpose elegy
by Stanley Walker of the New York Herald Tribune in 1924 turned up:
     "What makes a good newspaperman?  The answer is easy.  He knows
everything.  He's aware not only of what goes on in the world today, but
his brain is a repository of the accumulated wisdom of the ages.  He is not
only handsome, but he has the physical strength which enables him to perform
great feats of energy.  He can go for nights on end without sleep.  He
dresses well and talks with charm.  Men admire him, women adore him; tycoons
and statesmen are willing to share their secrets with him. He hates lies
and meanness and sham, but he keeps his temper. He is loyal to his paper
and what he looks upon as a profession; whether it is a profession, or
merely a craft, he resents attempts to debate it.  When he dies, a lot of
people are sorry, and some of them remember him for several days."

COLUMNIST IDEA ALERT.  While politically correct naifs wail alarm at every
new instance of workplace sexual harassment, shrewd women still use sex to
improve their careers -- as they should.  That's the thesis of New York
attorney Rosalie Osias, who cites a national survey:  45 percent of working
women envision having an affair with a boss or superior.  "Suggesting that
the office, or the armed forces, of the 1990s is gender blind is akin to
repealing the law of gravity," she says.  To arrange an interview with Ms.
Osias, contact Melissa Rubinstein at (212) 843-8025.

ORWELL ON WRITING.  Reporter Reid Magney of the La Crosse (Wis.) Tribune
testified, "I share George Orwell's feelings about cliches: 'Never use a
metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in
print.'  This was the first of Orwell's Six Rules, which he wrote in his
essay about politics and the English language." The others are:
     2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
     3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it.
     4. Never use the passive voice when you can use the active.
     5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon
	word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
     6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything
	outright barbarous.

NOT WITHOUT A WASHER.  In the United Kingdom, the "Nut Bolts and
Screws" headline hoax counterpart involves a group of mental
patients attacking laundrywomen.  That's "Nuts Bolt, Screw
Washers," said Morris Price.

© 1997 Peter Langston