The Comedian's Eye View of 03/31/97
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 29 Mar 97 11:38:56 -0800
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 03/31/97
Excerpted-from: 03/31/97 -- ShopTalk
Monday March 31, 1997
"A new book claims that the last supper actually took place on a
Tuesday, not Holy Thursday as widely believed. Biblical
scholars have determined what Jesus actually did on Thursday
night was watch 'Seinfeld' and complain it wasn't as funny as
it used to be."
-Craig Kilborn, "The Daily Show"
Newsbreak: "This just in- Cuba Gooding Jr. has finished his acceptance
speech and he loves you all." (Steve Tatham)
Dennis Rodman sprained his knee and may be out for the rest of the season.
"He smiled bravely through the pain," says Alex Pearlstein. "Something he
learned at the Academy Awards on Monday night."
"Attempting to replace him as best they could, the Bulls immediately signed
RuPaul to a 10-day contract and tie-dyed guard Steve Kerr." (Michael X.
"With both Rodman and Shaquille O'Neal side-lined, fans have cause for
alarm. They may decide to make a movie together." (Ferraro)
OJ Simpson talked to Sports Illustrated magazine. "He told SI he plays golf
on public courses and is put in foursomes with strangers," says the Cutler
Daily Scoop. "That is because all the people who know him are busy writing
OJ said he gets "some pretty funny reactions" when he meets new golfing
partners. "Usually it's a quizzical reaction, like, 'Hmmm, How can I make
money off this?'" (Scoop)
News from all over: In Bethesda, Md., there has been a rash of break-ins
by people with British accents who demand cash from homeowners before they
leave. "Hey, it worked for Princess Di," says Jerry Perisho.
Research finds that heart attacks might be prevented by a new anti-clotting
drug. "Tirofiban is modeled after snake venom and extracted form donor
lawyers," explains Jenny Church.
OJ Simpson told Sports Illustrated: "If I didn't have golf, I'd be in
Bellevue." Says the Cutler Daily Scoop: "If you didn't have football,
you'd be in Leavenworth."
"Warrior owner Chris Cohan is one smart cookie," says Bob Lacey. "He knows
that Bay Area fans are sick and tired of seeing Golden State lose, so he's
hiked the ticket prices for next season. At least, then the team will be
able to lose in relative privacy."
© 1997 Peter Langston