Fun_People Archive
3 Apr
Knock-knock-knockin' on Hale-Bopp's Door

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu,  3 Apr 97 12:50:05 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Knock-knock-knockin' on Hale-Bopp's Door

Forwarded-by: the potsmaster <>
Forwarded-by: "Miles R. Fidelman" <>
Subject: Heaven's Gate - The Last Straws

Like many of you, I have been agonizing over the moral and spiritual
implications of a mass suicide by a religious Mac-based web design firm.
What could have driven the group at Heaven's Gate over the brink? Well,
we may never know, but I have come up with the following possibilities:

1. They had just lost a big web development proposal from a corporate client
   because the client had decided to let Betsy, their receptionist, create
   the site with her new copy of Pagemill.

2. Their evil patriarch, Doh, had been holding them captive and forcing them
   to develop sites on Windows PC's.

3. They had just come from Internet World and heard Gil Amelio's speech on
   the future of the Mac.

4. They had just heard that Apple was cancelling OT and they would have to
   use Homedoor forever.

5. They just couldn't take another Type 11 error.

6. Aliens on Sirius wanted to have a website (to promote tourism), and
   decided that instead of outsourcing it, they would acquire a web
   development firm.

7. Aliens living on the surface of Hale-Bopp were upset at the number of
   pictures of their comet that were on the Web, so they have decided to
   eliminate all web design companies on earth. Heaven's Gate was the first.

8. The Heaven's Gate people are actually aliens from Sirius who have the
   ability to turn human brains into a substance resembling cottage cheese.
   Bill Gates found out about them and hired them to come to earth to do
   this to Apple marketing people. They just completed their mission and
   returned home.

9. Bill Gates has decided to go into the web development business. He
   started his competition elimination procedures with Heaven's Gate because
   they had the audacity to use part of his last name in theirs.

10. It had been cloudy in San Diego for three days in a row.

Forwarded-by: Larry Stone <>
Forwarded-by: Barry Perlman <>

Well, what do you expect from
a bunch of guys who castrated themselves in an effort to leave behind
"all human-mamallian behavior."  Maybe there was some kind of limit
on the number of nuts allowed in their cult.

Oh -- I'd assumed _that_ part was just some confusion over a contract
that called for Unix programmers.  [yeah, yeah, I know Dilbert's been
there already..  but someone had to say it.]

Forwarded-by: Harold Hubschman <>
Forwarded-by: (David Gabbe')

--- Top 13 reasons why The 39 Programmers committed suicide ---

13.  They were AOL subscribers.

12.  Sure-fire way to avoid the Year 2000 Problem.

11.  Don't worry -- they're just rebooting.

10.  Actually, they downloaded their personalities into a virtual
    reality simulator.  (Only required 2KB!)

 9.  Had met too many "Rules Girls."

 8.  Alan Greenspan made an offhand comment questioning the
    "irrational exuberance" about Java.

 7.  It's the normal fallout from breaking up with a cyberslut.

 6.  They got a totally wicked flame-mail from Bill.  (Bill!)

 5.  They found out there was no real person named Dana Scully.

 4.  It wasn't suicide.  It was the Ebola macro virus.

 3.  They realized that "Comet Hale-Bopp" is an anagram for
    "HTML be poop, Ace."

 2.  The aliens told them that in the 21st century no one uses the Web.

 1.  They're trying to spam God.

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