The Non-Discovery of Australia -- Part 1
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 97 17:20:01 -0700
Subject: The Non-Discovery of Australia -- Part 1
Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <email@example.com>
From: The Vedgymight History of Australia by C. Below:
The Non-Discovery of Australia
Although Australia was very large, it remained undiscovered for a
considerable length of time.
1. The Aboriginal Non-Discovery:
The Aborigines were the first people not to discover Australia.
They failed to discover it because the had:
a. No Guns
b. No Bibles
c. No Diseases
d. No Flags
e. No Title Deeds
Furthermore, they may have walked over at low tide, which would have
been cheating, since Discovery has to be done by boat. In any case,
it didn't count since it all happened thousands of years ago, before
the Age of Discovery.
Thus Australia remained undiscovered.
2. The Dutch
The second people not to discover Australia were the Dutch.
Considering how often the bumped into it on their way to Java, it is
perhaps surprising that they never discovered it. It was, however,
fortunate, as otherwise we might all be talking Dutch and be
Reformed. This is why Australia is known today as the Lucky Country.
Instead of discovering Australia, the Dutch nailed dinner plates
to some trees and then killed one another. This was the first
occurence of European Civilisation in Australia.
One Dutch ship went even further South, and got a brief glimpse of
a country they called Van Diemen's land, after their captain, Abel
Tasman. However they failed to discover it. Instead of discovering
it, they sailed on and failed to discover a country so like their
native Zeeland that they called it Niewe Zeeland. When they had
finished laughing at this joke they gave up sailing and became
Trekers and Bores. So New Zealand got nothing out of it except a Z,
and became Pakeha (1).
(1) From Maori: pake = lucky + ha = country; or, according to other
authorities, pa = Dutchman + keha = go home.
3. The Spaniards
The third people not to discover Austalia were the Spaniards (or
'Portugese', as they are sometimes called).
The Portugese (or, if you prefer, Spaniards) sailed all over the
world naming everything after their saints. By the time the got to
Vanu Atu (as it was not called) they had run out of Saints, so they
named the biggest island there Espiritu Santo and went home to get
the latest new list of Saints.
This was fortunate, because Austalia was the next place they would
have come to, and we might all now be speaking Spanish (or Portugese,
as the Brazilians call it).
4. The French
Australia was also not discovered by the great French
flower-person, Bougainvillea, inventer of the Condominium, a
miniature Anglo-French Letter. Thus Australia was saved from Gauguin,
atom bombs and La Gloire, which is the French technical term for
chronic military disaster.
Australia was also not discovered by the Seafaring Chinese of the
Ming Dynasty, etc., who left small deposits of personal effects on
beaches and sailed away. These people are known to Historians as
1. Name a person who did not discover Australia.
2. Arrange in descending order:
(a) Dinner plates;
(b) La Gloire.
3. Assess the place of Etcetera in Australia History.
1. Walk across to Tasmania at low tide.
2. Organise a bull-fight in your neighbourhood.
3. Blow up a condominium.
# firstname.lastname@example.org #
The Non-Discovery of Australia -- Part 2
The Discovery of Australia
In 1770, The first date in Australian History took place, it was:
# 1770 #
In that year, Captain Cook was sent to Tahiti to Observe the
Trasit of Venus.
The Transit of Venus was supposed to be something of great
Importance to the British Navy. But all Captain Cool found was
some dusky Tahitian maidens in grass skirts (or not, as the case
may be); so he sailed on.
Thus it was that Captain Cook came to Australia. His immediate
impact on the Continent was similar to that of the Dutch, except that
he kept on doing it over and over again.
By the time he had come to Australia about three times, and found
it equally hard each time, he decided that it should be discovered.
Fortunately, he had with him:
e. Title Deeds
In short, all the accoutrements of Discovery. So he discovered it.
He asked the inhabitants what the name of the country was, but,
finding that they were black and didn't speek English, he concluded
that they were Welsh. So he called the country New South Wales,
and wrote it on a Title Deed.
He then sailed away to Hawaii, where the local inhabitants feared
he was going to discover them and got in first by hacking him to pieces.
In memory of this event, the islands were called the Sandwich Islands
until they were discovered properly by the Americans.
Some of Cook's crew, however, managed to escape, and sailed back
to England. They gave the title deeds of New South Wales to King
George III, who immediately went mad.
One of the main symptoms of his madness was that he started taxing
the Americans, which caused a number of terrible things, including Tea
Parties and Daughters of the Revolution. All this is immensely
important to understanding the Causes of Modern Australia, so this
paragraph must be learned by heart before going on to Part 3 of our
1. Where was 1770? Is it still there?
2. Translate into New South Welsh:
'The All-Blacks re playing at Cardiff Arms Park'.
3. Which of the following arguments is the more
a. This is a Gun. Hands up or I shoot.
b. This is a title deed. Hands up or I shoot.
1. Observe the Transit of Venus. Describe how it felt.
2. Collect some saples of diseases. Paste them on your screen.
3. Hold a Tea Party. Do not invite the British. When they
come, run next door and say "The British are Coming!".
Then shoot them.
© 1997 Peter Langston