Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 7 May 97 00:29:27 -0700
Subject: Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly
Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: "Lee P. W. Burgess" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular
contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant
And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance
"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not
use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will
"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false
advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and
trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and
money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations
A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and
angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is
open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you
know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together
with their toothpaste.
"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I
glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "
But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by
implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the
hardship the woman will have to endure.
"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once
a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.
"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I
know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a
"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially
when you're sexually aroused?
"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell
it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't
prevent you from getting pregnant."
As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit.
"It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another
"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the
temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action
against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."
[I have to admit, I had a lot more sympathy for the woman who scalded her
lap with McD's coffee. Perhaps the two of them should get together... would
they cancel each other out? -psl]
© 1997 Peter Langston