Fun_People Archive
7 May
The Comedian's Eye View of 05/07/97

Content-Type: text/plain
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed,  7 May 97 00:49:21 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 05/07/97

Excerpted-from: 05/07/97 -- ShopTalk

                        Wednesday May 7, 1997

In the News: Jay Leno, on the "Republic of Texas" separatists who
surrendered this weekend: "If your whole country is just a shack and a
trailer, who's gonna want to immigrate there?  Okay, besides Tonya Harding."

In Golfing magazine, President Clinton compares golf to democracy, but
according to the Cutler Daily Scoop: "If everybody's created equal, why do
they have different tees?"

Alan Ray on the chess series between Garry Kasparov and IBM's Deep Blue:
"What a strange match-up.  One has no personality, is hard to understand
and is oblivious to human beings.  The other is a computer."

The Donald, the Divorce: Donald Trump and his wife, Marla Maples, are
separated.  "Maples' attorney sang her statement: 'I'll take Manhattan.'"
(Alex Kaseberg)

"The cited irreconcilable bank statements."  (Alex Pearlstein)

"A spokesman says the couple will remain friendly," says Jay Leno.  "Donald
will be allowed to come over on weekends and visit his money."

"Once Donald Trump learned cloning was possible, he knew he could finally
marry his only true love." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

"What a shock.  It was such a sweet, romantic wedding.  They wrote their
own prenuptial agreement." (Alan Ray)

Around the Country: Charlton Heston has been elected to the board of the
National Rifle Assn.  "He'll be the one carrying the AK-47 and wearing a
toga." (Bill Williams)

Heston feared forces inside the association were "reducing it to a sideshow
of the American radical fringe."  "Heston supporters feel the NRA should be
the main show for the American radical fringe." (Johnny Robish)

"He was elected on the promise to carry the beleaguered gun lobby into the
18th century and beyond."  (Bob Mills)

"Bob Dole was not allowed to board a plane at Washington National Airport
because he had no photo ID," says Bill Maher.  "Dole explained he doesn't
carry a wallet because he gave all his money to Newt Gingrich."

A conference examined the medical effects on women who box.  "So far, there
is no indication of unusual effects in female fighters," says the Daily
Scoop.  "I guess they'll just have to settle for the same brain damage as

Hands Across the Border: President Clinton met with President Ernesto
Zedillo in Mexico to demonstrate their commitment to curbing the drug flow
between the two countries, says Russ Meyers.  "Zedillo pledged to burn
marijuana fields and Clinton promised not to inhale."

prev [=] prev © 1997 Peter Langston []