Fun_People Archive
10 May
The Comedian's Eye View of 05/12/97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 10 May 97 14:36:06 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 05/12/97

Excerpted-from: 05/12/97 -- ShopTalk

                         Monday May 12, 1997

	"The New York Police Department wants to use high school year-books
	to help identify teenage criminals. Meanwhile, Jerry Seinfeld wants
	to use high school yearbooks to find a new girlfriend."
				--Conan O'Brien


The New Military: The Pentagon will ask Congress to close bases, reduce
troop sizes and cut spending.  "The Pentagon itself will close two wings,"
adds Jerry Perisho.  "It will then be known as 'The Love Triangle.'"

"The Army's highest-ranking sergeant has been charged with sex crimes.  This
is getting unbelievable," says Jay Leno.  "In fact, today the Pentagon said
its new policy will be, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell My Wife.'"

"Sgt. Major Gene McKinney was charged with various offenses- indecent
assault, adultery, impersonating a Kennedy..." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The Prez: President Clinton hurt his back while just sitting reading on the
Truman Balcony.  "Maybe he read that first tuition bill from Stanford and
flipped," says Jenny Church.

A jury ruled in favor of R.J. Reynolds' claim that cigarettes are not a
dangerous product.  "Maybe they're right," says Steve Tatham.  "Cigarettes
aren't nearly as dangerous as juries."

In other litigation, tobacco companies are settling the largest health
lawsuit in history.  "They say they are truly sorry they targeted kids,"
says Argus Hamilton.  "Facing a $300-billion, payout, they wish they had
targeted lawyers instead."

"These are confusing times for Dennis Rodman," says Russ Myers.  "First,
his ex-wife writes a critical book about him, then Oprah refuses to have
him on her show and then Eddie Murphy drives right by him."

ESPN anchor Keith Olbermann either is suspended or is taking an indefinite
break.  He apparently irritated ESPN brass by knocking Bristol, Conn., the
network's hometown, in a comedy routine on "Comedy Central."  Another story
said contract negotiations were involved.  Says Steve Rosenbloom of the
Chicago Tribune: "It's deep, and I don't think it's playable."

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