Fun_People Archive
23 May
"Things Never Said": A Theatre Thing

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 23 May 97 14:29:46 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: "Things Never Said":  A Theatre Thing

Forwarded-by: Sarah Gowan Sapsis <>

Things Never Said... the Technical Rehearsal:

       It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
       Take your time getting back.
       We've been ready for hours.
       There's plenty of room for more instruments over here.
       The headsets are working perfectly.
       The cue lights are working perfectly.
       The orchestra has no complaints.
       The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
       That didn't last long. the Actor:

       Don't. Let's not talk about me.
       I really think my big scene should be cut.
       This costume is SO comfortable!
       I love my shoes.
       No problem, I can do that for myself.
       No problem.
       I have a fantastic agent.
       Let me stand down here with my back to the audience. the Stage Crew:

       That instrument is not in the way.
       We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
       No, no. I'm sure that's our job.
       Anything I can do to help?
       All the tools are carefully locked away.
       Can we do that scene change again please.
       It's a marvelous show.
       I don't need this many on the crew.
       Thanks, but I don't drink. the Electrics Crew:

       I must fix the light in the publicity office.
       This equipment is more complicated than we need.
       Of course I can operate sound from here.
       Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
       No problem.
       I'll do that right away.
       All the equipment is working perfectly.
       That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
       I have all the equipment I need.
       Thanks, but I don't drink.

             "Things a Ballerina Would Never Say"

As presented on the 04/08/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. "You gonna finish those cheese fries?"
9. "I can't get the chewing tobacco stains out of my unitard"
8. "I'm loopy from all the spinning"
7. "My dream is to do a ballet version of `Smokey and the Bandit'"
6. "Baseball players can scratch themselves. Why can't we?"
5. "I don't know which I love more -- `Swan Lake' or Ricki Lake"
4. "When I have to jump really high, I pretend there's a ferret biting me
in the ass"
3. "I love the Quizstar 5000!"
2. "Hey girls -- let's go beat the hell outta some opera singers"
1. "I'll have what Rush is having"

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