Generic Disaster Movie script
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 30 May 97 19:02:19 -0700
Subject: Generic Disaster Movie script
Forwarded-by: Joyce Marie McCosco <MCCO2533@mlb.com>
Generic Disaster Movie Script
(probably by Dave Barry)
(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having breakfast
with her adorable son.)
HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!
SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.
(The phone rings.)
HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to tell
me about an impending disaster!
LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her son:) Bobby, you stay here and be
SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and placing
me in grave danger?
HEROINE : Of course!
(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president, looking
grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)
PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster is
going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all
PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long?
SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
PRESIDENT : Why?
GENERAL : I hate Houston.
PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking. I want
you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the laboratory
immediately and develop a romance interest with the heroine. If
this movie is rated "R,'' she can show her breasts.
HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.
(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring
intently at a computer screen.)
HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the
three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.
(A lab worker rushes up.)
LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading
in the cosine range!
HERO : What does that mean?
HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the
disaster! And my son is home alone!
(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighborhood. People are screaming
miniature cars are flying everywhere.)
HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed!
HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
SON : Help! Help!
HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
SON : No, it's Bobby!
HEROINE : Oh, right.
HERO : I'll save him!
HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!
(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)
HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.
HERO : He wasn't available.
(The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is
PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main
characters survived except the minority sidekick!
(The Cabinet applauds.)
GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
PRESIDENT: OK by me.
© 1997 Peter Langston