Fun_People Archive
14 Jun
Four Jokes...

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 14 Jun 97 13:06:12 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Four Jokes...

[..and half of them aren't male chauvinist...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: "Mills, Rea" <>


The Excuse

    A man was driving home late one afternoon, well above the speed limit.
He noticed a police car with its red lights on in his rearview mirror.  He
thought "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on.  The
cars were racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.  Finally,
as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured "what the hell," and gave up.
    He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser
and approached the car.  He leaned down and said, "Listen bud, I've had a
really lousy day, and I just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I
will let you go!"  The man thought for a moment and said... "Okay, three
weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser
in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back."

Early Memories

Three guys were drinking in a bar and pretty soon they started bragging
about their memories. The first one says " I can remember when I was 10
months old and took my first steps."  That's nothing says the 2nd guy. "I
can remember being born and the Dr. slapping me on the rear and I started
to cry."  The 3rd guy jumps in and says " I can remember going to a picnic
with my father and coming home with my mother!"

Dial M for Mother

LONDON, July 2 (Reuter)--A terrified British mother put police on red alert
after mistaking the sound of lovemaking for a cry for help from her
daughter.  The Independent newspaper said on [July 2] that two accidental
phone calls woke the woman in Devizes, southern England, in the small hours
of the morning.  Hearing moaning, groaning and shouting, she dismissed the
first as an obscene call, but in the second she recognised her daughter
crying: ``Oh my God,'' and heard a man's voice.  Convinced her daughter was
being attacked in her bedroom 100 miles (160 km) away, she dialed the
emergency number 999 and a police squad sped to the aughter's home to
investigate. ``Officers rushed round and found she wasn't being attacked--in
fact she was quite willing,'' a police spokesman said.  ``They explained
that during the moments of passion one of the couple [pushed an auto-dial
button on their phone] with a toe. Unfortunately on both occasions it was
the girl's mother's phone number,'' he said.  ``This is a warning for other
people--if you're going to indulge in this sort of thing, move the phone.''

The General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor
malady.  For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself,
irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and
expecting his every order to be followed immediately.  He was in a six-man
ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to
suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the
nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.  One
afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature,
General."  After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to
accept the thermometer.  "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end."  A whole new barrage of verbal abuse
followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what
the test called for.  The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and
allowed the orderly to proceed.  The orderly then told the general, "Stay
exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up
on you" and withdrew.  A full hour later, the head nurse entered the room,
saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on
here?"  "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the
general barked.  "Yes I have, General, but never with a daffodil!"

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