Top5 - 6/16/97 - Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 15 Jun 97 23:44:03 -0700
Subject: Top5 - 6/16/97 - Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal
T H E T O P F I V E L I S T
June 16, 1997
The Top 15 Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal
15> Camel cash catalog to include iron lung at 150,000 coupon level.
14> Sell super-cancerous $8 cigars to kill all those pretentious
13> No more advertising on billboards, but the tattoo area is
12> Lucky Strike Psychic Friends Network will be permitted to
predict that every caller will fail miserably in their attempt
to quit smoking.
11> In final gala advertising event, Joe Camel to chew C. Everett
Koop's beard off on pay-per-view.
10> Tobacco companies agree to take Jesse Helms out of their back
9> Only sports to be sponsored by tobacco companies: Lung Tossing
and Long Distance Phlegm Hacking.
8> All cigarette ads must carry picture of nude Ernest Borgnine
and/or Bea Arthur.
7> Sexy people doing exciting things in ads replaced by people in
Starfleet uniforms attending a Trek convention.
6> At RJ Reynolds corporate headquarters, every Tuesday is "Free
5> Reduce nicotine, increase "moldy sardine" flavor.
4> Mandatory new brands: "Phlegm", "Yellow Tooth", "Loser Lights",
"Desperate Bid For Peer Approval 100s."
3> CEOs of Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds entitled to occasional
trident sharpenings and horn polishings.
2> Government agrees not to interfere with industry's upcoming
"Lung Disease is Cool" and "Bum a Smoke From Mickey" campaigns.
and the Number 1 Item in the Tobacco Companies' Deal...
1> Warning on side of packets replaced with picture of Keith
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