The Comedian's Eye View of 09/08/97
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 97 18:56:15 -0700
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 09/08/97
Excerpted-from: 09/08/97 -- ShopTalk
Monday September 8, 1997
"The British people need someone in public life to give affection,
to make them feel important, to support them, to give them light."
-- Princess Diana, 1995
Little Known History: "Thursday was the birthday of Los Angeles, founded in
1781 as El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora La Reina de Los Angeles de
Porclunicula," says Jerry Perisho. "Roughly translated, that means, 'Have
your girl call my girl, we'll do lunch.'"
Also noted: 216 years ago, Los Angeles had the same number of NFL football
teams as it has today. (Perisho)
Around the Country: A federal grand jury convicted Arizona Gov. Fife
Symington on seven felony counts of defrauding lenders in a real estate
deal. "Kenneth Starr immediately flew to Phoenix to try to find out how
they did it." (Bob Mills)
"Never trust a politician named after a character on 'The Andy Griffith
Show.'" (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Officials at a Tennessee state prison said two prisoners escaped in a golf
cart. "I think this proves we've gotten way to easy on these inmates," says
Jay Leno. "It seems to me if a guy is in for murder, you make him walk the
whole 18-hole course."
New in Sports: The new Oakland Raiders coach told the players not to use
swear words. "And now he's working on their table manners," says Jenny
Church. "When another team is visiting, chew em' up and spit 'em out."
Disney has announced plans to buy cable TV's Classic Sports Network.
"Expect changes," says Mills. "The games will all be released on video
with action figures of the MVPs available at McDonald's for $2.99."
Attention Boomers: Social Security has reopened its Web site so taxpayers
can calculate their retirement benefits. "It's simple," says Perisho.
"They ask you if you were born after 1945. If you say 'yes,' the screen
says 'YOU LOSE.'"
Space Follies: "Russian space commission found two cosmonauts responsible
for the Mir collision. Also, out of habit, Richard Jewell was brought in
for questioning." (Brian J. Hill)
"The cosmonauts were fined. Who cares? With the expertise they gained on
Mir, they can come to America and set up shop restoring old Pintos." (Bill
"This just in: A meteorite has crashed into the Mir space station. Did over
a million dollars in improvements." (Leno)
© 1997 Peter Langston