Fun_People Archive
10 Sep
Waiting for the Audubon Book? Read the Field Guide.

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 97 13:05:14 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Waiting for the Audubon Book?  Read the Field Guide.

Forwarded-by: Rikb1@aol.com

Here's something I came across recently.  I have no idea who wrote it, but
I'm glad it isn't accompanied by scratch and sniff illustrations.

A GUIDE TO THE IDENTIFICATION AND CLASSIFICATION OF NORTH AMERICAN FARTS

Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers.(Expression circa 1880)

Boomers:  Full-throated, rousing explosions;  the parent organism frequently
betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.

Carpet Creepers:  Heavier-than-air creations, these linger and permeate the
atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having
already left the room.

Fizzles:  Efforts at first promising, but eventuall unsatisfactory, at least
to the donor;  often surprisingly effective on bystanders.  Often the last
of a series;  originator betrays disappointment.

One-Cheek Sneeks:  Attempted sureptitious contributions, usually signified
by the artist's telltale "tilting".  Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs"
or church pews, they possess satisfactory resonance, produce blushes,
giggles, glares.

Poohs:  Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking
sonority;  popular on buses;  customarily unacknowledged.

SBDs (Silent But Deadly):  Consistant with the Law of the Conservation of
Energy, what a SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in
semi-lethal olfactory intensity.  The mechanism responsible is usually the
innocent-looking person glancing about susupiciously.

Screamers:  High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing
duration and tonal variation; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or
frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureacrat.

Squeegies:  Small, immature and moist products.  Humiliating for all
concerned.

Wet Ones ( aka Brewers' Farts, grains and all, Fudgies, Playing Misty)
Samples are accompanied by gutteral, rasping or lisping sound, indicating
vaporous content.  Originator registers astonishment, dread, then usually
departs, walking funny.

I hope the above has been both educational and enlightening.  Please share
with someone who cares.

© 1997 Peter Langston