Waiting for the Audubon Book? Read the Field Guide.
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 97 13:05:14 -0700
Subject: Waiting for the Audubon Book? Read the Field Guide.
Here's something I came across recently. I have no idea who wrote it, but
I'm glad it isn't accompanied by scratch and sniff illustrations.
A GUIDE TO THE IDENTIFICATION AND CLASSIFICATION OF NORTH AMERICAN FARTS
Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers.(Expression circa 1880)
Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent organism frequently
betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.
Carpet Creepers: Heavier-than-air creations, these linger and permeate the
atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having
already left the room.
Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventuall unsatisfactory, at least
to the donor; often surprisingly effective on bystanders. Often the last
of a series; originator betrays disappointment.
One-Cheek Sneeks: Attempted sureptitious contributions, usually signified
by the artist's telltale "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs"
or church pews, they possess satisfactory resonance, produce blushes,
Poohs: Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking
sonority; popular on buses; customarily unacknowledged.
SBDs (Silent But Deadly): Consistant with the Law of the Conservation of
Energy, what a SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in
semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the
innocent-looking person glancing about susupiciously.
Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing
duration and tonal variation; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or
frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureacrat.
Squeegies: Small, immature and moist products. Humiliating for all
Wet Ones ( aka Brewers' Farts, grains and all, Fudgies, Playing Misty)
Samples are accompanied by gutteral, rasping or lisping sound, indicating
vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then usually
departs, walking funny.
I hope the above has been both educational and enlightening. Please share
with someone who cares.
© 1997 Peter Langston