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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 97 12:18:37 -0700
Subject: Fifty-Eight Quotes
[Some of these we've seen before, but some are new and they're all pretty
Forwarded-by: Flip Breskin <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: Alan Martin <firstname.lastname@example.org>
1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and
mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness in the New York Times, 1960
5. Slogan of FM105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all
the radio stations in Chicago... we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes 43,000 miles closer to
globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are
some misfits who continue to insist there is no such thing as progress.
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound
in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and
years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the
worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that
is in it -- and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a
hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and
that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life -- without even
considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for
the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even
sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities
and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Limerick from Ireland
18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
[Attributed to John Perry Barlow -psl]
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or
how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't
20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
[This has been "reliably" attributed to: Laurie Anderson, Frank Zappa,
Lester Bangs, Steve Martin, Charles Mingus, Elvis Costello, Thelonius
Monk, and Dorothy Parker. Do you suppose we can safely assume it came
from Oscar Wilde? -psl]
23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's
26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights
of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, #019, The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and
tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
[Attributed to Robert Benchley. -psl]
36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that
37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his
memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the president. 3. Desperately
clawing at the inside of his coffin. --David Letterman
38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, sir,
that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli
replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles
or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
40. I think the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we
lose game five. -- Charles Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then
I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya
Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in a programming language is the name. A
language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented
a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E.
43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit. -- In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine (p. 9), the Army's
magazine of preventive maintenance
44. An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain..
3. Life is antagonistic to the living..
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned,
bombed, and plucked for music..
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by
their own cunning..
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed
by their own momentum..
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion
-- E. L. Doctorow in The Book of Daniel
45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I
don't believe I deserve this 'F' you've given me." To which Stigler
replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the
university will allow me to award."
48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean)
number of legs. -- E. Grebenik
49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a G*d, He'd have three sides."
[We now know it should go: "If male triangles had a G*d..." -psl]
50. Don't worry about temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal
procedure, lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself
over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, "Peanuts"
54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali
55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence
of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund
56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
© 1997 Peter Langston