Fun_People Archive
15 Sep
Fifty-Eight Quotes

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 97 12:18:37 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Fifty-Eight Quotes

[Some of these we've seen before, but some are new and they're all pretty
 good... -psl]

Forwarded-by: Flip Breskin <flip@pacificrim.net>
Forwarded-by: Alan Martin <amartin@unixg.ubc.ca>

 1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
   the wrong answers.  -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

 2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

 3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
   involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The
   hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and
   mating.  -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

 4. What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
   to do the unnecessary.  -- Richard Harkness in the New York Times, 1960

 5. Slogan of FM105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all
   the radio stations in Chicago... we're one of them."

 6. With every passing hour our solar system comes 43,000 miles closer to
   globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are
   some misfits who continue to insist there is no such thing as progress.

 7. Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

 8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound
   in the correct screw.

 9. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"  The
   graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"  The
   graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"  The
   graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and
   years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the
   worst movies in the history of the world.  -- Dave Barry

11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
   I hate plants.  -- A. Whitney Brown

12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
   rearranging their prejudices.  -- William James

13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
   hurtling down the highway.  -- Andrew Tannenbaum

14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that
   is in it -- and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a
   hot stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and
   that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
   -- Mark Twain

15. There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the
   streets?  -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
   infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life -- without even
   considering if there are men on base.  -- Dave Barry

17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for
   the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even
   sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities
   and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
   -- Limerick from Ireland

18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
	[Attributed to John Perry Barlow -psl]

19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or
   how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't
   care less.

20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast

21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
   -- Emo Phillips

22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
    [This has been "reliably" attributed to: Laurie Anderson, Frank Zappa,
    Lester Bangs, Steve Martin, Charles Mingus, Elvis Costello, Thelonius
    Monk, and Dorothy Parker.  Do you suppose we can safely assume it came
    from Oscar Wilde?  -psl]

23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
   mistake when you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones

24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
   the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
   disinclination to do so.  -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
   that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.
   What's important is that you continue to do so.  -- Hunter S. Thompson's
   Samoan attorney

26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
   woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the
   Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
   -- Quentin Crisp

27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
   nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights
   of another.  -- Ambrose Bierce, #019, The Devil's Dictionary

28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
   tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
   country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and
   tired of being told that I am!  -- Monty Python

29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
   -- George Carlin

30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
   revolution inevitable.  -- John F. Kennedy

32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
   I disapprove.  -- Ashleigh Brilliant

33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
   -- Ashleigh Brilliant

34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
	[Attributed to Robert Benchley. -psl]

36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that
   way.

37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
   Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?  1. Writing his
   memoirs of the Civil War.  2. Advising the president.  3. Desperately
   clawing at the inside of his coffin.  --David Letterman

38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, sir,
   that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli
   replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles
   or your mistress."

39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but
   phone calls taper off.  -- Johnny Carson

40. I think the team that wins game five will win the series.  Unless we
   lose game five.  -- Charles Barkley

41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then
   I realized that I had no character.  -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya
   Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

42. The most important thing in a programming language is the name.  A
   language will not succeed without a good name.  I have recently invented
   a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.  -- D. E.
   Knuth, 1967

43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
   expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
   unit.  -- In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine (p. 9), the Army's
   magazine of preventive maintenance

44. An Animated Cartoon Theology:
        1. People are animals.
        2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain..
        3. Life is antagonistic to the living..
        4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned,
	   bombed, and plucked for music..
        5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by
	   their own cunning..
        6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed
	   by their own momentum..
        7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion
	   supports us..
   -- E. L. Doctorow in The Book of Daniel

45. Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress.
   But I repeat myself.  -- Mark Twain

46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
   realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
   Hobbes:  Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I
   don't believe I deserve this 'F' you've given me."  To which Stigler
   replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the
   university will allow me to award."

48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean)
   number of legs.  -- E. Grebenik

49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a G*d, He'd have three sides."
    [We now know it should go: "If male triangles had a G*d..."  -psl]

50. Don't worry about temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding
   you.  -- Old Farmer's Almanac

51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?"  EB: "Normal
   procedure, lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself
   over a wide area."  -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
   -- Plutarch

53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
   Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
   -- Charlie Brown, "Peanuts"

54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
   -- Salvador Dali

55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence
   of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.  -- Sigmund
   Freud

56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
   they've always worked for me.  -- Hunter S. Thompson

57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.  -- Mark Twain

58. "Time's fun when you're having flies."  -- Kermit the Frog

© 1997 Peter Langston