More of Dennis's Opinion(s)
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 97 16:12:19 -0700
Subject: More of Dennis's Opinion(s)
[A bit of tit-for-tat for Dennis Miller's rants on what men want (excerpted
in <http://www.empire.net/~psl/Fun_People/1995/1995ASS.html>), here's a bit
of a rant on what women want... -psl]
[UPDATE: The Fun_People archive moved in September 1998 to:
Forwarded-by: email@example.com (Dave Hurley)
Excerpted-from: "The Rants", by Dennis Miller
....Does size really matter? I don't know, what do women want? Nowadays
it seems like they want....other women. Some women want zero from a man,
and others want lots of zeros from a man.
Let's see, the myth is that women want:
Brad Pitt in the bedroom,
Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
Brad Pitt around the house,
Brad Pitt during a game,
Brad Pitt when they're sick,
Brad Pitt in conversation,
the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall'
combined with the voice of Brad Pitt,
and to top it all off
the IQ of Fabio
on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll
never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men
for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are
dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much,
and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are
dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as
reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda, sorta, maybe
think women want from men.
ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer
her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they
possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care.
That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and
we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about
FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...
say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill
Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now
imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your
daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words
are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars
to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should
know if she came.
NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for
TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your
sleep... take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair
treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at
understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about
a big fucking diamond the size of your head?
© 1997 Peter Langston