Fun_People Archive
30 Sep
Paternal Collaboration, Vaseline, & Classic Roles

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 97 00:06:51 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Paternal Collaboration, Vaseline, & Classic Roles

Forwarded-by: (Rebecca Kilgore and/or Peter Schwimmer)
Forwarded-by: Jimmy Lewis Entertainment & Lewis Family <>
Forwarded-by: Allexx5
Forwarded-by: (RON B SLOA)
Forwarded-by: Ken Dagosta <> at CCGATE
Forwarded-by: (Paul)

    A lady was in the delivery room ready to deliver her son.  As the baby's
head came out, it appeared dark and had an afro.  The doctor said, "Ma'am,
have you ever been with a black man?"  She said, "Well, yes, but only
once."  "Once is all it takes." he replied.
   Then the baby's torso came out and it was yellow.  "Ma'am, have you ever
been with an oriental man?" the doctor asked.  "Well, yes" she said, "but
only once."  "Once is all it takes." he said.
   Then the baby's legs came out and they were red.  "Ma'am, have you ever
been with an American Indian?" the doctor asked.  "Well, yes" she said,
"but only once."  "Once is all it takes." he said.
   Finally, he pulled the baby all the way out, held him upside down, and
slapped his bottom.  He started to cry.  "Oh, thank God." she exclaimed
"He doesn't bark!"

    A young man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of the house,
juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase.  He knocks on the door
and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do
for you?".
    "Sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz.  We're paid by our
clients to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their
products.  Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly.
Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"  "I don't see
how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man", says the
    Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first,
you do use Vaseline, correct?".  "Yessir, for as long as I can remember".
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" asks the survey-taker with his
pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.  "Let's
see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
    The young man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward
and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir.  I
know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you
mind telling me how you use it for sex?".
    "No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom
doorknob". The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step
backwards before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out"

A young couple, Doug and Audrey, just married, were in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night.  As Audrey undressed for bed, her husband, Doug (who
was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put
these on."  She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," Audrey said.  "That's right!" said Doug, "and
don't you ever forget it.  I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family!"
With that, Audrey flipped Doug her panties and said, "Try these on."  He
tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.
He said, "Hell Audrey, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's
right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

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