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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 18 Oct 97 23:35:04 -0700
Subject: Welcome Aboard!
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Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the
hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault.
It was the asphalt."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane.
She approached and asked, comspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines PA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines
we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful
as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that
shifted during our so called "touch down."
About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during final that
the Captain really had to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
© 1997 Peter Langston