Fun_People Archive
31 Oct
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 31 Oct 97 16:50:07 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man

Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Forwarded-by: "Per Hammer" <phammer@raleigh.ibm.com>
Forwarded-by: Anonymous Scotsman

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac -- 12
pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions -- his mind set on one
thing. LOVE! Or as he say's himself "ma nookie".  His lust at fever pitch
after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his
beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion -- "any chance a ma
hole?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell
of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin,
is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the
flirtatious reply "Awaity fuck ya bam".

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male
casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually
land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient
Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go".  Upon reaching
the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher.  This is a classic
example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant
to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's
self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and
sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya useless bastard" or possibly
"It never happens to the Milkman".  Oral sex is a great favourite of the
Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like
to put your teeth roon this?"  The woman nods willingly and points
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "On ye
go" she says "but don't disturb me".  Unprepared by this slight rejection
the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A
breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from
below, his face like wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke,
"Bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week.

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol
induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of
his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves
into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A
phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've
shot ma load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for
disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as,
perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.  An
imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman likes to be
spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole".  The woman is
speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of
jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the
ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure
it's in?".  Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes
the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big "man".  Eventually
its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like
a pig. There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman -- a
veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

© 1997 Peter Langston