Fun_People Archive
30 Nov
[15654] ERROR - confirmation missing

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 30 Nov 97 17:04:41 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: [15654] ERROR - confirmation missing

			Fun_People Updates
		Follow-ups, responses, and comments
		relating to recent Fun_People items

I imagine everyone figured out all the "Fourteen Puzzles" listed in the
11/9/97 update posting, so I won't be giving anything away by simply listing
some of the answers here...
  B.  5 D. in a W. W.		Days in a work week
  D.  9 D. in a S. S. N.	Digits in a social security number
  F.  15 M. on a D. M. C.	Men on a dead man's chest
  I.  40 C. on a C. B. R.	Channels on a Citizen's Band radio
  K.  50 W. to L. Y. L.		Ways to leave your lover
  L.  76 T. L. the B. P.	Trombones led the big parade
  M.  99 B. of B. on the W.	Bottles of beer on the wall
  N.  20,000 L. U. T. S.	Leagues under the sea
This, of course, leaves the following unsolved (in case you forgot)...
  A.  5 D. in a H. D.
  C.  8 G. T. in a L. B. C.
  G.  24 P. on a B. B.
  H.  39 J. B. A.
  J.  48 C. in a P. D.
If you'd like someone to check your answers, you can send them to me...

While I'm at it, thanks to:
	Cindy <>
	Gregg Porter <>
for further puzzle suggestions, which I have added to the growing pile
of new ones that will appear in some future Fun_People Updates...


 Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <>
Subject: New Pentium Bug

OK, you may or may not know that there is a new pentium bug.  All it
takes is a few lines of "C" code or to be exact

char x [5] = {0xf0, 0x0f, 0xc7, 0xc8 };

	void (*f)() =x;

yes any machine, any OS on a pentium CPU,MMX or no MMX, any speed.

Crash is instant, hard reboot is the only cure.  No special permissions
are needed.

To test, download a C compiler!

 Forwarded-by: "Judy Webster" <>
Re: Musician jokes

Q: What's the similarity between premature ejaculation and a bodhran solo?

A: You can feel it coming, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Forwarded-by: (Rick Ruskin)
Forwarded-by: "Stephen H. Nebel" <>
Re: Musician jokes

Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.

Q: Why is a violinist like a scud missle?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
A: You might bend the nail.

Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.

Q: What's the difference between a sxaophone and a lawn mower?
A1: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
A2: The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and odn't return it.
A3: The grip.

Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
A1: Vibrato - though you can minimize this difference by holding the cain
    saw very still.
A2: It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular phone?
A: An optimist.

Q: What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road
   and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
A: The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A: The knock always slows down.

Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.

Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Q: How many drummers doews it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "Why?  Oh, wow!  Is it like dark man?"
A2: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't
    just be pushed in.
A3: Two:  One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after
    they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
A4: Twenty.  One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room
A5: None.  There's a machine to do that, too.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Q: What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A: A razor blade.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the first thing the soprano does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven.  He is told "Hey man, welcome!
You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with
Satchmo, Miles, Django - all the greats!  We have a gig tonight.  Only one
problem.  God's girlfriend gets to sing.

Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None.  They can't get that high.
A2: Two:  One to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little
    high for you?"

Q: What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A: A tenor.

Q: How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
A: The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

Q: How do you put a sparkle in a classical guitarist's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: What does it mean when a banjo player is drooling out of both sides of
   his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten.  One to change the bulb and nine to say they could do it better.

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: Both suck when you plug them in.

Q: In the 22nd century how many guitar players will you need to replace a
   light source?
A: Five.  One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better
   the old tubes were.

Q: Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the
   lead singer noticed?
A: Yes.

Q: If you drop an accordion and a lead singer off a 20 story building,
   which one lands first?
A: The accordion; the singer has to stop to ask directions.

Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a viola off a 20 story
   building, which one lands first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How can you get a million dollars with folk music?
A: Start with two million.

 Forwarded-by: <>
Re: Kitty Litter Cake

    I thought I'd let you know that one of the people I work with made the
Killer Cake (the Kitty Litter one) from Peter Langston, so I  will try
sending this to him as well.
    It was a huge success!  Particularly as it was at the regional state
health office and there were people ("health officials") from Austin,
etc.  People took pictures, kept coming back for more and she had to do 2
BAGS of the small tootsie rolls!  Fortunately the recipe makes a lot.
    I happened not to be there that day but asked Janyce to save me some
which she did in an official hazardous biological waste bag.  It looked
OK in the bag, but when I took it out to eat it, it really looked
(appropriately) awful!  But tasted great!

[See <>... -psl]
[UPDATE: The Fun_People archive moved in September 1998 to:
	<>  -psl]

Re: Spider Robinson on the Book Biz



a few weeks back, I sent you all my second-ever general posting, describing
the current catastrophic conditions in the publishing industry, and urgently
asking your help--both for myself, and for all your favorite midlist
authors.  The response has been so overwhelming, I feel I owe you all a kind
of progress report.

First, let me share some joy:

I've just been shown an advance copy of the Locus Bestseller List for
October 1997.  That prestigious list, derived by direct survey of selected
sf/fantasy bookstores, cites the omnibus THE CALLAHAN CHRONICALS as the #1
best-selling sf trade paperback in North America!

My profound personal thanks to all of you who bought a copy.  I am warmed
and deeply moved by your support--as expressed both in dollars, and in the
many morale-raising messages sent to the website Ted Powell kindly runs for
me at You've made my year, and I promise to keep
writing you the best books I can, for as long as I can.  Two more of them
are on the stands as I write this (see the website for details), and I hope
you'll enjoy them as much as THE CALLAHAN CHRONICALS.

But before leaving, I must also share some pain:

Along with your messages of support, I also received many cries of agony,
from dozens of colleagues who are in at least as much trouble as I am...and
sometimes much worse.  Several have had to quit the business; others are
thinking about it, hard.  My original basic point remains: these are almost
impossibly bad times for writers, especially midlist writers, especially
midlist genre writers.  ALL of us need your support, more than ever before.
And so does your local independent bookseller. This is NOT a temporary
emergency, either.  The world is changing. Use us or lose us, is what it
comes down to.

Again, my (and Jeanne's) warmest thanks to all of you for your continued

--Spider Robinson

>From  Tue Nov 11 08:51:55 1997
Re: A Congressional Brain Scan

I forwarded your bit on Traficant on, and I got this in response from a
friend who works at the Hill.

Antonio Mastroianni wrote:

> Dan,
>         At my last office we had a whole file of what Traficant said, he
> is one of the funniest, most outrageous Congressman one could ever meet.
> He comes out with remarks like this weekly.  In fact he is the only
> person to beat the IRS, FBI, and Treasury Dept:
>         When he was a sherriff in Ohio he ran for Congress, but was
> under investigation by these three divisons.  He was charged with taking
> a five thousand dollar bribe from the mafia and was tried in a court of
> law for this.  He refused an attorney and argued in front of a jury that
> the reason he took the bribe was that he was doing undercover work.
> When the prosecuting lawyers asked him why spent the money all over
> town, Traficant replied that he was fulfilling his undercover work.
> When asked why no one was informed of this investigation, he answered
> that he was so deep undercover no one could know his true identity.
> Finally, the prosecuters asked, if this was true, why were no arrests
> made and Traficant said that he was just about to arrest everyone, when
> the FEDS barged in and arrested him and fucked everything up.  The Jury
> believed him and now he is a Congressman, but still has his Pearl
> Handled Pistols from those SHerrif days.

 Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>
Re: Engineers

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>
Re: What were the opcodes to hang a Pentium again?

 Forwarded-by: Lloyd Wood <>

You can now test if you're vulnerable to the more recently discovered
Microsoft and Intel problems.

If you're running Internet Explorer 4 on a Pentium, you can easily verify
for yourself that these problems exist by attempting to load this page --
but do save your work first. (Internet Explorer 3 is immune.)

This page automatically exploits both the recently-discovered Pentium bug,
and the recently discovered Explorer 4 res:// buffer overflow bug, via a
trivial piece of autoexecuting HTML -- which could easily be emailed.

Two orthogonal separate bugs combine to more than the sum of their parts;
emergent behaviour due to complexity in computer systems.



	A new security vulnerability uncovered in Microsoft Internet
	Explorer 4.0 will allegedly allow a malicious individual to write
	a line of HTML on a Web page that will execute native code on a
	user's machine. Such code could run, create, or delete a file --
	or do anything a user can do from sitting in front of his machine.


	A possible new Pentium bug, reports of which surfaced this morning
	on the BugTraq security mailing list, may leave Pentium-based
	networked computer systems -- especially Internet service providers
	-- vulnerable to system attack.

	The bug is essentially four lines of machine code -- "F0 0F C7 C8"
	-- and reportedly causes most Pentium- based machines to crash.
	Posters to the list claim that Pentium Pro and Pentium 2 processors
	are not affected.

Re: Suspicious facts
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>
Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <>
Forwarded-by: (jlesser)

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
[And if you force your eyelids to stay open during a sneeze, your eyeballs
 will pop out and dangle on your cheek!  -psl]

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is
contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1
million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark.
You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are
to be struck by lightning.
[You are more likely to send the Save Sesame Street petition around again
than to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria, ... unfortunately.  -psl]

When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly,
it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by
hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of
flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire.
Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would
consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter
the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of
warm urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins.
It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.
[Gee, I hate when that happens!  -psl]

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist
environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria.  Wearing
headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious
gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.

Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-
looking criminals.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live
nuclear warheads.  Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact
of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create
the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone
captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the
passenger over a cliff.
[Just today (11/30/97) people in Bremerton found the reason their garage
doors had been opening mysteriously in the middle of the night; it was radio
interference from an aircraft carrier.  -psl]

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,
1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while
working in petroleum refining.
[Another argument for the existence of God...  -psl]

Re: Intel confirms Pentium flaw that could freeze PCs
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <>
Forwarded-by: "Kevin D. Clark" <>

Let me propose the following parody of the annoying Intel commercials that
I see on TV occasionally:

Act I, Scene 1

There is a ticker-tape parade going on, with thousands of people present.
For some odd reason, music that should never have escaped from the 70s is
playing loudly over hidden speakers.

A large van, with an "Intel Inside" logo on the side, pulls up to a curb.
Intel engineers, donned in annoyingly bright blue, yellow, green, pink,
and red dust suits stumble out of the van, doing a dance that looks
remarkably like the "funky chicken".

The van starts unfolding, allowing the onlookers to get a demo of the
latest Intel(TM) technology.  The engineers keep on dancing like, well,
er, engineers.

Joe Random Cracker, a pimply-faced cracker-wannabe, who wouldn't know what
The Right Thing was if it landed on him like a ton of bricks, is standing
on the corner, watching all of this, smiling wickedly.  He calls out to
the Intel engineers ``Hey, look at me'', and meanwhile he starts
unbuttoning his ratty flannel shirt, which reveals a tee-shirt underneath
which reads:

   main(){ __asm__(".byte 0xf0,0x0f,0xc7,0xc8"); }

The Intel engineers catch a glimpse of this shirt and die on the spot.
All of them.  The cheering stops.  The ticker-tape parade is over.  The
terrible music stops.


Re: History is written by the victors
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>
Forwarded-by: Henry Bar-Levav <>
 Forwarded-by: The Wall Street Journal, Fri. Nov. 14, 1997:


Attorney Gary Reback, warning about cyberspace monopolies at a
Ralph Nader conference, notes that a print version of Funk &
Wagnall called Microsoft chief Bill Gates a "tough competitor."
But an electronic Microsoft version describes him as "known for
his ... contributions to charity."

 Forwarded-by: Dan Peck <>
Re: Acronyms & Initialisms

My favorite intitialism:

TCP/IP: This Can't Possibly Install Properly.

Re: Suspicious facts
Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <>

 A strange but true fact:

 The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest
 rated American program in the history of Korean television.

 "chachi" is Korean for "penis"

Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <>
 Forwarded-by: (Dan Zerkle)

Q: What's the difference between Sanford Wallace and Saddam Hussein?

A: Saddam Hussein has an Internet connection.

[ Note:  Sanford Wallace runs Cyber Promotions, a notorious ]
[ junk e-mail outfit that has been thrown off of dozens of  ]
[ networks.                                                 ]

Re: "Spamford" Wallace & History is written by the victors...
 Forwarded-by: (Keith Dawson)
Excerpted-from: TBTF for 11/24/97

...The Spam King is back

  Spineless spammer bids to acquire some backbone

    In September TBTF reported [1] that AGIS, the last network refuge of
    spammers, had jettisoned the scoundrels from its backbone network.
    Spam-meister Sanford Wallace vowed to return -- though how he could
    do so was not clear. Now Wallace has announced the formation of
    Global Technology Marketing Inc. [2], a backbone Internet service
    provider specifically for himself and his junk-emailing colleagues.
    (So hated is Wallace on the Net that his announcement triggered
    massive "collateral damage" [3] -- in the Pentagon-speak of one
    anti-spam activist -- as Netizens made life difficult for a number
    of innocent companies and people with names similar to those men-
    tioned in the Spam King's press conference.)

    Wallace has teamed with fellow spammer Walt Rines and with an un-
    disclosed third party, reported to be a regional ISP in Nevada.

    My guess is that Spamford's new network will be invisible to most
    Netizens, because reputable networks will not "peer" with him
    (i.e., agree to exchange traffic). Network administrators around
    the world are certain to block email from Wallace's domain, if not
    in fact to shut off all IP connectivity to it.

    At the press conference announcing his new initiative, Wallace said,
    "If this doesn't work, nothing will. If it doesn't go, then that's
    it for me -- I'm done."

    Make it so.


...Spam judgement

  A spammer is fined and enjoined from theft of service

    A district court judge issued a ruling [4] that spam-haters every-
    where will relish, fining a spammer $18,910 and permanently en-
    joining him from ever again using the domain name of the plaintiff,
    or (more importantly), ever again misappropriating ANY domain name
    not owned by him for the purpose of spam.


...Netscape need not apply

  An entertainment site rolls out the welcome mat -- but only for
  those using Internet Explorer on Windows

    We knew it had to happen. This official Star Trek site [25] is the
    first I've seen that is simply inaccessible to any other platform
    than Internet Explorer running on Microsoft. I deduce that the site
    uses ActiveX controls because it checks for the presence of Authen-
    ticode, MSIE, and Windows. Those failing any of these tests are
    treated so contemptiously as to be sent to the limbo of an illegal
    URL, there to contemplate their miserable lot out of the Microsoft
    mainstream. (The URL contains a space character.) Running Navigator
    under an MS OS will get you chided for an "Incompatible Browser"
    [26], while those running MSIE on a Macintosh get told "Macintosh
    Browser" [27]. In neither case can they partake of the joys of the
    main site. As CobraBoy! <> put it, the result is
    "clearly what results when the two greatest forces of evil on the
    planet, Viacom and Microsoft, work together." Thanks to John Robert
    LoVerso <> for the first note about
    the site.

    [26] Browser
    [27] Browser


Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>
Forwarded-by: chuck yerkes <>
Forwarded-by: Alex Reith <>

Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has
to be us.
		-- Jerry Garcia

[I would have called it "incredibly poetic" myself...  -psl]

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