Do The Holidays Right
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 24 Dec 97 14:42:45 -0800
Subject: Do The Holidays Right
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
DO THE HOLIDAYS RIGHT
-- by Karen Finley
The most memorable Christmases are the ones that are ruined. It's a real
art to be able to invite just the right amount of sibling rivalry and
drunkenness with overall holiday hesitation and guilt to provide a good time
for all. The idea is to invite unresolved conflict and resolve it right at
your dinner table. That will make the food more memorable.
Start by inviting friends or family that you have had an argument with
recently and tell them you intend to bury the hatchet at this year's
holidays. Ask if they would please join you for dinner. When they accept,
the stage is set for a memorable holiday for years to come. Also invite
family members who have been squabbling and are seeing one another in your
living room for the very first time since the argument. Now, that is no
easy accomplishment, I might add, and I do add.
One method that I use when inviting guest is to think of the Hundred-Acre
Wood and its residents for a good overall psychological profile. Think of
yourself as Christopher Robin, the enabler. Invite someone like
Winnie-the-Pooh with an eating disorder. Invite a passive-regressive type
like Rabbit. Get that mother-attachment thing happening like with a Kanga
and a Roo. Add an insecure guest with low self-esteem like Piglet, mix in
a know-it-all such as Owl, and a manic-depressive such as Tigger. Now
that's what I call a guest list.
Here are some pointers to ensure a memorable holiday:
1. Once the guests have arrived. Everyone needs some warming up and here is
the guaranteed ice breaker I use and it works every time: kindly ask your
squabbling guests to reenact their disagreement.
2. Always have plenty of alcoholic beverages on hand.
3. Continue repetitive prodding questions about the original argument.
4. If you have to, take a side.
5. If still nothing is happening, quietly take a guest to the kitchen and
tell her you can side with her position.
6. While they are brewing and stewing, now is the time to start making fun
of siblings like you did as children.
7. Start calling sibling names that were used as children (i.e., Jowls,
8. Make that scapegoat work his holiday! Go to past incidents where the
sibling made a fool of himself.
9. Always invite non-family members. A good heated moment is when a family
member tells a non-family member, "Do you want to hear about the time my
brother put my Barbie doll in the toilet and it wasn't number one in there?"
When the non-family member says, "not really," we know that is when we are
on the way to a truly unforgettable holiday experience.
10. At this point yell out "Dinner!" so that no one can leave. The big fear
of Christmas is to be alone and forgotten and have no food, so no matter
what happens, your guests won't leave. Always have your guests wait for
food. Not eating always makes the crankiness edge go up.
11. Still, if no guests have had an outburst, start telling embarrassing
stories about your guests. This time talk about the non-family members and
try to get your family to gang up on your guests. Go around the table till
dessert and coffee. Hopefully, by this time someone passes out, pukes, or
DON'T WORRY, THEY WILL ALL BE BACK NEXT YEAR!
Living It Up, Copyright 1996 by Karen Finley
© 1997 Peter Langston