Fun_People Archive
29 Dec
The Comedian's-eye View of 12/30/97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 29 Dec 97 16:56:04 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 12/30/97

Excerpted-from: 12/30/97 -- ShopTalk

                       Tuesday December 30, 1997

 "Lisa, when you get a little older you'll learn that Friday is just another
  day between NBC's Must See TV Thursday and CBS' Saturday-night crap-o-rama."
		- Bart Simpson


Jack Attack: Jack Nicholson gets big laughs in "As Good as It Gets" playing
an eccentric who is racist, anti-Semitic and anti-homosexual. "So even if
he doesn't win the Oscar, he's the early favorite in the New Hampshire
primary." (Argus Hamilton)

Evander Holyfield will fight Lennox Lewis on April 25 in Las Vegas.
"Holyfield is the first heavyweight to float like a butterfly and taste like
chicken." (Hamilton)

Why Not Just Call It a Supermarket? USA Today has spotted a growing trend
toward giant, 4,000-square-foot, 24-hour convenience stores.  "They say some
of these are so big, they can accommodate up to 200 armed robbers at one
time." (Jay Leno)

Ditto for Wayne Newton: Researchers say that cities with legalized gambling,
such as Las Vegas, have a higher rate of suicide. "Of course, that's only
when Tony Orlando is appearing." (Premiere Radio)

Thinly Vailed Threat: "The latest snow report from Vail, Colo., describes
ski conditions as . . . expensive." (Jenny Church)

Space Cadet: Astronomers are using the Hubble telescope to study how stars
explode. "They began their research last summer watching Christian Slater
flip out and bite a cop." (Premiere Radio)

What Are the Odds of Being on Time? Amtrak is studying a plan to allow
gambling on all of its rail lines. "The service would be called Off-Track
Betting." (Ray)

Signs of the Apocalypse: A survey found that 61% of Americans believe in
miracles, a big jump from 10 years ago.  "No wonder. In the last decade,
several miracles have occurred: an NBA star wearing high heels, Jenny
McCarthy getting a prime-time series and Rep. Bob Dornan being defeated in
Orange County." (Jerry Perisho)

Cheers: Scientists say a drink a day reduces your chances of dying young.
"In a related story, Ted Kennedy's doctor just diagnosed him as immortal."

Rich Kids: Variety ran an article listing the wealthiest people in
Hollywood. "The top three were Steven Spielberg, Michael Eisner and Wile E.
Coyote's personal-injury attorney." (Hamilton)

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